Lately I have been undergoing some sort of change, and I have been feeling threatened and lost. Somehow I feel incapable of dealing with change and, although I continue to get up and do stuff as much as I can, all I want to do is hide in bed and have people bring me delicious foods and drinks and just make all the expectations go away.
This is actually a state I am accustomed to - it comes along once in a while, and usually leads to a lot of feeling angry and frustrated and not heard. And perhaps the most difficult thing about this is that I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to explain how I am feeling to others - and I don't always know why I am so angry.
I have begun to associate it with a feeling of 'I am overwhelmed'. Which works once I recognise it. I go into hyper-care mode - doing what needs to be done, but with huge breaks in between where I withdraw into a cave-like existence - monitoring the stimuli like light and sound. I ask myself what I need to read during that time, because sometimes when this happens I can't even face high fantasy, or (in some extreme cases) anything new to me. I reread things that helped in the past, watch tv series that I know and like, and make sure to do the usual things that you do if you have a cold or something like it - many fluids, nourishing foods (if I want that, sometimes I just eat junk food for a little while because I can't face anything else, but this rarely lasts long), comfortable clothes. I have been known to cancel a few things when this happens, and retreat to my room to be around squishy things - to avoid hard edges.
I feel like this is something that I kind of need to go through at times. People with chronic illnesses often develop depression because of their inability to get out of bed very often, or to see people that cheer them up, or to do things that they used to love. This is true for me, but - like many others - I am not able to tell you which came first: the depression, or the illness. Perhaps they always travel in pairs.
My anger, I have noticed, often comes from the same place as my depression - when I get angry, I find myself beginning to shut down and stop caring what happens to me. Because I am getting better at recognising that, I am better at managing it, but that doesn't mean it's going to stop happening.
I guess what I am saying here is that sometimes, even if it is frustrating or hurtful, we need to recognise where our own feelings are coming from, and try and take ownership of them. We need to care for ourselves and manage how we are feeling. Control may be a bit of a mystery, but care shouldn't be.
Love to all who read.
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