Assignment Season

I mentioned a little while ago that I was going to be a bit MIA with this blog and my youtube channel while I go through assignment season, and that seems to be coming true. I am glad I gave myself the space to do that because as much as I love writing for this blog and doing videos and such, I can't imagine trying to do all that plus complete assignments, readings, homework, and continue my career of a professional sick person at the same time.

And that's what I have really noticed lately: so many people I know and care for are going through assignment season right now, and they are experiencing high levels of stress and anguish over this. Some even have exams to prepare for after that.

Don't get me wrong, I am susceptible to assignment season freak out, too. Last week I panicked for days about the fact that I needed rest so much more than anything else, and built up everything I had to do into this ginormous ball of impossible, until one day I sat down and looked at my to-do list and realised I was actually pretty on top of everything.

So, I am just writing a little post to all those lovely people engaging in assignment season freak out times:

Dear lovely you,

I know there's much to be done, and I know it feels like an insurmountable task. I hear you. I feel how scared you are of failing, of getting it wrong and having to do it again, of not getting it just right.

I know. I hear you.

What if, just for a minute, you looked at this differently. You see it for the task that it is, not the thing that could mean the end of a career or the failure of your life.

What if you could see it as a little molehill instead of a mountain - a problem waiting for its solution.

Assignment season isn't about weighing you down and making you feel like you can't get there - that you'll never get there. It's about testing what you're made of, how you can work through something. And there are many different ways of passing.

And I think one of the best ways of passing is showing that you can stop and breathe once in awhile. That you can look at the rest of society caught up in the game they've made of life and just realise that your world doesn't rest on this assignment or on this test. It rests wherever you want it to - it is whatever you make it.

And for those moments where it all seems a bit too much, I hope you'll have the strength and the courage to just give yourself some time to rest. Because you know what? Resting is part of the process. Without sleep, we would function at less than half of what we're capable of. Without creative expression and joy? I don't know if we'd really be functioning at all.

So, my lovely person, I wish you much creative expression, rest, and joy for this assignment season - with just a touch of hard work and determination to balance, and some clear thinking just because - and good luck with it all.

Love,

Bethwyn.

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ALSO.

Because apparently I have taken it upon myself to get all of my (very small) blog audience excited about every facet of the TFIOS movie :D

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Maintaining Friendships in a Busy World

small things.

Yes, I am back on what is apparently one of my favourite topics to dwell on - friendship. I believe I have written before on the difficulty of maintaining friendships when you are sick all the time (I am leaning towards not calling it 'chronic illness' anymore, because I want to believe that I will get better eventually, and be able to do more. More on that another time) and that topic is something that stays with me often.

I don't always dwell on it, but I have days where things are really hard, and I think about reaching out, only to push that back down because of course 'my friends have their own problems to deal with' and 'they're probably too busy anyway'. In the case of right now, that's very true. Many of my friends are studying, so assignments are taking the lead in all areas, and I don't want to be the friend that goes PAY ATTENTION TO ME when I can clearly see that they are all going through their own stuff. (It's not nice to be that person.)

And I have gotten to wondering about whether friendships need to be changed or altered somehow in the light of this busy world. I am selfishly able to observe other people's lives and form my own opinions, and I am increasingly coming back to 'everyone seems to be too busy to even have friendships, let alone maintain them these days'. 

Yesterday, I found myself in a very dark mood for much of the day. And I fell into old patterns of not really telling people what was happening, because it might be bothersome, and just messaging them and trying to get a response. I felt attention-seeking and kind of gross. 

And then, this morning, I read an email from Lissa Rankin (find her here) about pretending to be perfect, and she mentioned something she had posted on her facebook:I grow tired of people who are so invested in their image that they pretend to live perfect lives, which only leads others to compare themselves and judge themselves as not perfect enough by comparison. Why can't we all just admit that we're perfectly imperfect- and that our imperfections and scars make us beautiful and unique and relatable? Just in case I've pulled the wool over your eyes, I am FAR from perfect. I'm in marriage counseling. I have hairs on my chin and stretch marks on my butt. I battle my own ego. I can be bossy and demanding. I have to tame my ambition to avoid being a workaholic. So please don't put me on a pedestal, and please don't put yourself on one either, since it only distances you from those who would connect more if only they knew that you were as beautifully flawed as they are. Tell us one thing about you that keeps you off the pedestal- one perfectly imperfect way thing that makes you real!

And I realised that that was what I was seeking. I keep bumping up against these barriers with many of my friends - not just theirs, but my own - where we are trying to maintain that we are going just fine thank-you-very-much and it's just so damn hard to get past those usual responses of 'I'm doing fine!' and 'we will have to catch up sometime' with no actual time in mind. And it's making me depressed.

I don't blame my friends for this. I think, in many ways, my getting sick and staying sick is really difficult for them to deal with. They don't know if I want pity or sympathy or words on encouragement to keep going. And my goodness if I don't change my mind with each situation, too! By being sick, I am showing them that not everything is perfect with me, and I give myself permission to tell them that a lot of the time, but I continue to fear that they judge me for being that way. Maybe not consciously, but I fear it.

So, here goes. I am going through a big state of change right now. I don't know what I am going to become, but I know that something huge is about to hit me. I get anxious quite easily, and some days I get really really angry about my situation. I am seriously tired of waking up with stomach pain, of fearing that my body is going to turn against me, of fearing that all the links in my support network will fail and I will have to force myself into a job I hate and can't really do because I need to support myself financially. I feel stunted in my growth a lot of the time, and I am fucking frustrated that I can't reach out without hitting walls.

I want to be a very kind and gentle person, but I curse, and I still sometimes laugh at snap judgements that I make about people. I didn't really like the way I look for years, particularly in high school, and I always thought I was 'average' in every way - and that was the worst thing ever.

I am tired of flakiness in people, and I am sick of relationships of all kinds that end without any closure (this has happened to me way too many times to count). And I don't talk about these things to many people because I don't want to become one of those people that complain about everything and can't seem to move on. Because, goddammit, I AM moving on. I am moving through my emotions and physical symptoms each and every day, and I get sad sometimes that I have to do it alone.

I am overemotional, stubborn, anxious, and afraid of my own body. But I am beautifully flawed.
What is one imperfect way that makes you real?

Love to all who read.

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Deskchair musings: updates and General generalness.

So this week has been all kinds of interesting. I have had to relearn (again) how to be soft and gentle with myself when things aren't going terribly right for me, and that has meant a lot of slow yoga, resting in bed watching things like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Disney movies (and Pixar movies) and listening to old podcasts to do with allowing yourself to be where you are (much more complex than it sounds, I assure you).
I have also been delving back into my spiritual side, which has been largely neglected over the past month or so - I have been meditating, getting out my crystals and oracle decks, trying out some horoscope subscriptions, and I even decided to finally take the leap and get something I have wanted for almost a year now - a drum.

My Toca Drum - a hybrid between a djembe and a doumbek.

Now to some people I guess a drum doesn't seem that spiritual, but I'm not really talking about using it to commune with gods and goddesses or spirits - I wanted a drum as a form of meditation and expressing myself. It took me a really long time to acknowledge that I wanted a drum, and I was going to get one when my birthday rolled around in March this year (my boyfriend was excited to get me one), but as soon as we walked into the store back in March, so many old fears and worries got triggered that I had to hightail it out of there before I went into full-blown panic attack.

The thing is, I started worrying about what people would think of me, what they would start believing about my spiritual habits and my need to express myself in such an unusual (for the crowds I run in) way, that I just couldn't deal with it. At the time, I already felt too different with my health being the way it was - I wasn't strong enough to be who I am.

And now? I guess I still feel those things a little bit. But I am learning to put all those fears and anxieties to the side and just be. And you know what? We went into the drum store yesterday, and we had a little drum lesson and drum circle with one of the guys there, and I felt so excited and happy to finally be doing this thing that I had wanted for so long. I felt really content.

Things are all a bit floopy right now with my health (and yes, floopy is a technical term) - I am not sleeping well at all because my stomach insists that I am allergic to lying down, and I am having to wait until mid-December for my next medical appointment where we move onto the next step of testing. There is a lot of fear and anxiety built into this waiting, but I am dealing with it better each day. (The drum helps.)

To finish, here is a beautiful picture of the setting sun through lavender blossoms that now exists as my phone wallpaper. Love to all who read.

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There are no words.

I just watched the above video (I only recently discovered this YouTuber and I love her already) and I cannot even describe how gorgeous it is to see things like this.

The thing is, I identify as pansexual, too, but I have been calling myself bisexual since high school because not many people understand what pansexual means.
And, the thing is, I am in a committed monoamorous relationship with Xin, a man, and have been for almost six years. But that doesn't change the fact that I fall in love with people because of their personalities, regardless of gender or sex.

These are just thoughts that I have had for awhile and I decided to share them on my blog when I saw this video!


Please note: I may be posting a little less on here and youtube for a few weeks as I attempt to catch up with study and reading. Please feel free to email me or poke me on instagram at any time, I just need to cut down on things for awhile and focus! Being overwhelmed is no fun.

Love to all who read.

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Things that cheer me up~ Part one

If anyone watches my youtube channel you will know that I created a TBR jar awhile back. Want to know what that entails? Watch one of my favourite booktubers ever - Katytastic!

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On keeping emotions in.

Duck shirt!

I had a rather startling realisation today, which I may never go into on my blog. However, it was enough that it's got me questioning some things.

I have had experiences with people that have - whether on purpose or not - have made me feel like it's not okay to show emotion; like it's not okay to be an emotional person.

At one point, when I was in the depths of depression, I realised I couldn't feel anything. In a way, it was bliss. A respite from the turbulence. But then I realised that I didn't want this absence of emotion - I wanted to feel. I wanted to display those feelings and not care what people thought.

But after so many years of training myself not to show too much - not to show fear, excitement, anger - I am, even now, finding it hard to break out of those well-worn patterns.

I was told recently that I really play it down when I'm scared - to that point that even those close to me can't tell that I am panicking on the inside. And I needed to hear that, because I was getting to the point where I was getting upset as to why people weren't helping me when I 'clearly' needed help (clearly in my mind, but obviously not outside of it!).

I do wonder if this has gone past a defense mechanism - a way to avoid social ridicule - to something that is ultimately harming me. If I can't communicate when I am scared, how will people know when I'm truly hurting and need help? If I hide my anger, it just boils away inside me, making my soul sick and destroying my affection for others more effectively than any assumed-betrayal. And to hide my excitement? Well, that just doesn't bode well for someone with such a love of books, flowers, animals, of life! (Excuse me for getting expressive there, I'm watching a Disney movie as I write this...)

I know that, for some people, keeping your emotions and thoughts to yourself is a way of survival. That's okay, really. For me, though, it doesn't work. It means more pain, more suffering. And I'm going to keep working on expressing myself more openly, and ignoring any naysayers.

Love to all who read.

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Book Review: The Bone Season by Samantha Shannon

I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...

goodreads link

Title: The Bone Season
Author: Samantha Shannon
Series: First book in an ongoing series with the same name.

Synopsis: "SCION. No safer place.
The year is 2059.
Nineteen-year-old Paige Mahoney is working in the criminal underworld of Scion London, based at Seven Dials, employed by a man named Jaxon Hall. Her job: to scout for information by breaking into people's minds. For Paige is a dreamwalker, a clairvoyant - and in her world, the world of Scion, she commits treason simply by breathing.

But outside the repressive boundaries of Scion, a powerful, otherworldly race waits in the shadows. The season has come and Paige's life is about to change for ever."

My thoughts: Okay, so the first thing I need to say about this book is - man, that was a bit complex.
Don't get me wrong, it was very well-written, but there were just so many new names and groups and item names that I had to learn and, honestly, given the state of my brain this week, I'm just not sure I was up to it.
But the world that Samantha Shannon has created here is indeed interesting, and I felt myself being drawn to it despite the complexity of it's inner workings.
The main character, Paige, is equally complex, but that sits well with a character that, at her base, must hide who she is to survive. She must even lie to her father about her true nature, and that lends itself to a certain darkness of character.
I have to admit, though, that during the course of the book I got frustrated with Paige. I actually found myself at one point exclaiming out loud about her stupidity in one scene, only to keep reading so I could find out what happened.
This was a book that I only realised I loved after I had finished it. It was a bit of a struggle to read at times, but by the end I was glad I had read it and I am excited to see what's in store for the next book.
Plus, young writer with complex fantasy series - I'm listening.

You would like this book if: You like some dark fantasy; you enjoy exclaiming aloud while reading and continually flipping to the glossary to understand what group said what to that other group.

Rating: 8/10

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

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TFiOS Movie Updates

More updates from John Green on the set of the The Fault in Our Stars movie :) Adorableness ensues.

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Book Review: Obsidian by Jennifer L. Armentrout

I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...

goodreads link

Title: Obsidian
Author: Jennifer L. Armentrout
Series: Lux Book #1

Synopsis: "Starting over sucks.

When we moved to West Virginia right before my senior year, I'd pretty much resigned myself to thick accents, dodgy internet access, and a whole lot of boring.... until I spotted my hot neighbor, with his looming height and eerie green eyes. Things were looking up.

And then he opened his mouth.

Daemon is infuriating. Arrogant. Stab-worthy. We do not get along. At all. But when a stranger attacks me and Daemon literally freezes time with a wave of his hand, well, something...unexpected happens. 

The hot alien living next door marks me.

You heard me. Alien. Turns out Daemon and his sister have a galaxy of enemies wanting to steal their abilities, and Daemon's touch has me lit up like the Vegas Strip. The only way I'm getting out of this alive is by sticking close to Daemon until my alien mojo fades. 
If I don't kill him first, that is."

My thoughts: I picked this book up on my Kindle because of another booktuber (Katytastic, the first booktuber I started following) ranting and raving about the addictiveness of this series. And also, I was in a bit of a slump with what I had been reading at the time.

The first time I picked this up, I liked the main character - Katy - for many reasons, but mainly because she fangirls over books a lot (something I can quite readily relate to). But I got a bit bored. I don't know why, really, but the plot just didn't grab me initially.

The second time I picked it up and continued on, I ended up staying up late into the night reading this. I found it quite addictive, and I haven't really had that in awhile. Katy is an interesting and easy character (by 'easy' I mean fairly easy to sit with and follow), and Daemon remains confusing but also hot for much of the book.

Occasionally the relationship between Katy and Daemon really pissed me off, but I don't think that was because it was poorly written - in fact, I think it was because I felt the tension between them and I felt their frustration. Either way, it made me keep reading  - even if to just to find out whether they finally actually DO SOMETHING.

By no means a great piece of literary work, Obsidian is a great example of books that keep me interested in reading. It didn't make me feel like I had to trudge through mud to understand the characters, and it didn't raise any great philosophical questions within me, but it made me happy and it was addictive. So I loved it.

You would like this book if: you enjoy paranormal romance; you feel like a bit of addictive sexual tension between two frustrating characters.

Rating:  8/10

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

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