Healing Silence

Monday, September 30, 2013
More wisteria! Because... Wisteria.
I was just reading this blog post by Kiriko Kikuchi and it got me thinking about silence and meditation.
I have been neglecting my meditation practice a bit lately and I have to admit I've noticed a difference. I don't deal with stress or sudden changes as well as I used to. I panic easily, and I have a weaker connection to that inner silence and peace.
Over the weekend, I decided to try and get back into meditation - whenever I had the though and the chance, I'm going to try and meditate. Sometimes it's easy - I just slip down into that comfortable place - and other times it's really hard and I can feel that I have a lot to sort through before everything can relax.
Both of those ways are fine. And I think the more I accept that, the easier things will be. I will be able to accept change a bit more readily, and flow with the life rather than against it.

Anyway, check out the blog post linked above if you have a moment to read, and have a peaceful day.

Love to all who read.

Updates: From my armchair to you.

Sunday, September 29, 2013
Paper-cutting for an assignment, Listening to The Fault in Our Stars, Eating grapes. :3

So this week has been a bit crazy. There were so many things happening - both within me and without. I had a terrifying episode, and then a couple of days of trying to put myself back together. Since then I have been strictly back on my no-gluten no-dairy less-refined sugar diet, and man it's TOUGH. My parents bought these little butterscotch chocolates from Ikea yesterday and I have been eating so many OTHER things to convince myself I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE.

The thing is, I think chocolate tastes great and all, but it makes me feel sick later on, and why do that to myself when I could just as easily have something else? Cravings are a fascinating thing and I'm trying hard to just sit with them these days and observe how they dig into my emotions, making me think that I HAVE TO EAT THAT THING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OH MY GOODNESS OTHERWISE I WILL CEASE TO EXIST and that just doesn't seem right when you think about it logically.

Anyway, other than eating healthy, I've been dancing along to my own little Bethwyn song - making a video, reading lots, finding new books, getting excited about the new Elizabeth Gilbert book, dressing up like a fox in a giant onesie with ears and a tail... you know. The usual. (That actually sounds a lot like the usual.)

I may also be getting a new mattress soon - hence the trip to Ikea. I tried out this one mattress and it was just HOLY DELICIOUS COMFORT, BATMAN and I realised just how uncomfortable my current mattress is. Weird, since I spend a lot of time lying in bed resting and fighting illness with naps and tea.

The weather continues to fascinate me by being perfect Spring weather one day - warm, gentle breezes, bees buzzing - and then completely Wintery the next day - like today, crazy sudden rain, wind blowing around, grey skies and that slightly electric feeling in the air.

I am enjoying it all, though, and spending more time outside when I can. I also managed to go to class on Friday - the first time in three weeks or something like that - and it was amazing. Yay going outside and seeing human beings.

Next week is tuition free, and so I am excited (yes, excited) to work on a written speech for my next assignment, and also hopefully get a bit further through my Aurealis reading (we have about 44 nominations at this point, so I'm staying busy!). I'm also thinking of cuing a few more book reviews for you guys as I'm still reading other things outside of the awards and have recently found a gentle but addictive book that I stayed up late two nights in a row to read.

So, that's me right now. I am feeling good about things, despite my little scare earlier this week. I guess part of those little scares is the opportunity to pick up and try something different, and to remember what makes life so awesome.

Love to all who read.

On being afraid.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013
This will probably just be a rambling post about recent occurrences, so if you prefer not to read those types of blog posts - avert thine eyes until I can put up another book review!

Yesterday I had an experience that I really don't want to have again. Without giving away too many details, I was in a huge amount of pain and discomfort, close to blacking out, and home alone with no one but my poor dog - who hardly understood what was happening - to keep me company.

Episodes like this have happened before - even some where I've actually passed out - but I've always been around other people. People who would catch me when I fell and would call an ambulance if necessary. 

But this time, I was alone. And I found myself even more terrified than the last few times this has happened because of that fact. And it came down to this - I fear painful death. I fear dying alone. And when these episodes occur, the most I can think is usual one phrase at a time over and over - eg. 'no no no no no' 'go away go away go away' or even, as it happened yesterday, 'please let me pass out, please let me pass out'.

I am being brutally honest about this not because I want attention, but because it's something I need to confront. I do not like thinking of my own body as an enemy, but it has come to be such in certain situations. Even after 12 years of being sick, I only sometimes know how it's going to react to certain things. And that terrifies me.

We have very little control in life - we die when it is time for us to die, and sometimes when we think it is not; a multitude of things could happen to us simply between waking up and having breakfast. Try as I might to accept that life is ever-changing, I cannot (perhaps, will not) accept that my body does what it wants.

There isn't a lot I can do about this if I stay as I am. I suspect it is time, again, for change. I need to do something to try and fool myself into having some semblance of control over the level of pain I experience. Even now, I can feel the pain sitting gently within me - reminding me that everything can change from one moment to the next. So, you know what? I'm going to change my mind first, so that I can change my body.

Sometimes staying healthy can seem like a career in and of itself.

Love to all who read my ramblings.

Notes on putting messages together.

Sunday, September 22, 2013
happy spring equinox! (southern hemisphere...)


It seems that I am still suffering from certain symptoms that could be broadly defined as 'the flu' and, for anyone who has been following my blog for a little while, you will know that I have had this for well over a month now. Weird? I don't really know.

The thing is, I guess I just got used to resting a lot more than other people. That's not to say that I don't still react really badly sometimes - to be honest, the past week has seen me disappear into what I call 'zombie depression mode' more than once - but I am capable of accepting the fact that I need rest more readily.

And it feels like the Universe is sending me a message here, and I really don't want to be the super deaf person that ends up tripping over the things they need to know (literally).

What message am I talking about? Well, let's look at what has been happening...


  • I don't generally have weird dreams very often, but in the past two weeks I have had several nightmares plus one dream where there were two versions of me - an original and a clone who was a slave. And - get this - I WAS THE CLONE SLAVE. I wasn't even the original version of myself.
  • Each time I manage to convince myself that I'm better (even though my body is trying to tell me otherwise) something crazy will happen that will physically force me to stay at home instead of going to class, or to a concert I had been looking forward to - for example, the Friday morning I got ready for my tute. I was perfectly fine, managed to do all my chores and get myself ready, and then ten minutes before I had to leave? Throwing up. Or the time I got ready for my lecture and then a weather warning flashed up on my computer, because the winds were going around 60km/hour. And could rise to 125km/hour.
  • This weekend, when I convinced myself that going to the beach during a really overcast windy day would get me some fresh air, which would make me feel better, and then I got SPECTACULARLY SUNBURNT on my face and one of my hands.
  • Today, when I managed to do one small part of study and then had to take a two hour nap to recover...

A lot of this could be seen as wishful thinking, weak links, or overactive anxiety (let's not go to that last one right now :D), but it comes down to this: I know that I am not functioning very well lately. And I intend to look after myself as much as I can (while still completing study) until I feel more capable again.

And that, my friends, is why you get a late and confusing blog post. We will most likely be back to our scheduled programming next week. Love to all who read.

More 'The Fault in Our Stars' Movie Stuffs!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Who can ever get enough of this stuff! And if you can, please don't tell me. Let me live in my bubble in peace :P


Gentle thoughts

Beautiful lavender with busy bees~

Wisteria! I seem to have a general adoration for all purple flowers, and I especially love the scent of lavender and wisteria (and yes, that's jacaranda in the background! eee!)

A blinding dog naps in a rainbow sunbeam...

My beautiful new bag that arrived in the post from bookhou :D

The above images are just from yesterday - little moments of joy that I thought I'd share with you.
The other thing that came across my desk yesterday was a rewrite of a well-known saying - sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Here it is for you to consider:
sticks and stones are hard on bones
when thrown with hateful art
and words can sting like anything
but silence breaks the heart
(written by Phyllis McGinley)

Book Review: Eyes Like Stars by Lisa Mantchev

Sunday, September 15, 2013
I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...



Title: Eyes Like Stars
Author: Lisa Mantchev
Series: Theatre Illuminata Book One

Synopsis: "All her world’s a stage. 
Bertie Shakespeare Smith is not an actress, yet she lives in a theater.
She’s not an orphan, but she has no parents.
She knows every part, but she has no lines of her own.
That is, until now.
Enter Stage Right  
NATE. Dashing pirate. Will do anything to protect Bertie.
COBWEB, MOTH, MUSTARD SEED, and PEASEBLOSSOM. Four tiny and incredibly annoying fairies. BERTIE’S sidekicks.
ARIEL. Seductive air spirit and Bertie’s weakness. The symbol of impending doom.
BERTIE. Our heroine.

Welcome to the Théâtre Illuminata, where the actors of every play ever written can be found behind the curtain. They were born to play their parts, and are bound to the Théâtre by The Book—an ancient and magical tome of scripts. Bertie is not one of them, but they are her family—and she is about to lose them all and the only home she has ever known.
"

My thoughts: This is one of the books drawn from my TBR jar (visit my youtube channel for more info).

I really wanted to absolutely adore this book, but a few things held me back. To start with, Bertie's construction was fascinating, but her execution wasn't always interesting. I wondered from time to time if she was intentionally written to always pale in comparison to her more characterful friends - after all, it could be an indication of her not feeling like enough. Whatever the reason, Bertie just didn't excite any emotions in me - I didn't really feel connected to her.
The other characters, however, were brilliantly written. Ariel in particular made me really intrigued, and when the story was drawing toward the end of the book, I found his actions to be most entertaining and affecting.
I pushed through the first half of the book on sheer determination to complete another book from my TBR jar, but in the second half I kept reading because I was fascinated with where the story was going. I don't want to give anything away, but what happens was definitely worth the read.

I may pick up the next book at some point - I have not decided yet. But if there is more Ariel, I think I'm in.

You would like this book if: You enjoy spin-offs of classic plays; you like girls with blue hair and a tendency to talk to mischievous fairies.

Rating:  7/10

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

Surprise!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Because if you're not following vlogbrothers on youtube, then that's (sort of) okay. Because I will post all TFioS movie updates from John Green on my blog because they're amazing.

Because because because!


My grammar and general sentence structure abandon me because - excite!

Coping with 'illness fallout'.

Bronte peers up at me from underneath Xin's legs... XD

As I have posted over the past few days, I am still recovering from a weekend full of migraines and other illnesses. I have had to complete an assignment during this time, which was difficult given my eyes don't really like exposure to computers right now.
Either way, on Monday I hit a bit of a wall.
I could feel that not being able to do much was affecting my mental health - depression was looming like a giant cloud on the horizon. And all I could do was watch as it came ever closer.

This is what I want to talk about briefly - something I will call, for now, 'illness fallout'.

I have retrained my thoughts to such a point that I don't really see being sick as the worst thing ever to happen to me any more. I welcome the many opportunities to rest and reconnect with myself, more often than not.

But that doesn't mean it isn't hard to deal with sometimes. Particularly during times when I have multiple illnesses at the same time, I find myself getting bogged down in everything again, and I watch as my mood grows darker.

I used to fight this tooth and nail. I REFUSED to let my depression to come back - even for a moment. But I realised recently that depression has always been, and probably will always be, a part of me. It's not always obvious, but I still have to take certain measures to make sure I don't end up in an emotionless state because I'm so overwhelmed by everything. I have to give myself space to breathe.

So, on Monday, I gave in. I saw the depression come in and, instead of fighting it and making myself feel worse, I went to bed. I put my headphones on and listened to music - loudly. And I cried. I cried for everything that has happened to me and I cried about my anxiety and my fear of the future. I didn't realise that I was holding so much sadness within me until I made the conscious choice to let it out.

And after that, I got up, I talked to my boyfriend on the phone for awhile, and then I went and spent some gentle time watching tv with my parents while we ate dinner. And on Tuesday, I woke up feeling lighter and stronger. By giving in to that weakness, and allowing myself space to grieve for a part of me that may never cope very well with being ill, I gave myself permission to rebuild myself and move forward.

I'm not saying this to get sympathy, nor am I saying it will work for everyone. However, I used to be someone who saw crying as weakness - pure and simple. Now I see it as something different - a way to acknowledge myself and my own feelings, and then move on with my life.

Love to all who read.

Stories from everyday life.

Monday, September 9, 2013
A photo taken by me during a quiet walk.

I have been struggling this morning with a few different things. It is fair to say that, after a weekend full of migraines and generally feeling sorry for my poor body and everything it's trying to cope with, I tend to put all my hopes into one basket - the basket of 'I will get better and be able to finish all the things that need to be done today'.
In my logical brain, it stands to reason that if I have been unable to do much of anything all weekend, on Monday things shall be bright and new and I will suddenly find myself with boundless energy and the motivation needed to complete all the things I have put off while being sick.
The reality is that I am still so weak, and still so sore and tired from the weekend that I can barely cope with digesting breakfast, let alone picking up where I left off on Friday.

I argued with myself for most of the morning about whether to ask for a one day extension on an assignment. I kept reasoning and reasoning with myself, until I realised this: I was thinking of this extension like it was a resource in short supply. That is, if I were to ask for this extension, I would lose the possibility of having another extension further on down the track. When I 'truly needed it'. And I realised that this story I was telling myself just didn't add up.
Regardless of the fact that I feel slightly better than I did over the weekend, or the fact that I could probably push myself to finish my assignment (though, perhaps, at the cost of my health again), I decided to give myself a little bit of a buffer. A little wiggle room so that I might be able to give myself one of the things I truly need right now - space to recover.

I will continue to look into the stories I am telling myself each day, and see if I can find where these stories are detrimental to my health and wellbeing.

Books I have started but haven't finished.

Sunday, September 8, 2013
One of my bookshelves... plus other bits and pieces!

Oh man. This weekend has been a bit rough. I have had two migraines in two days, plus the flu, plus a variety of other things that decided to jump on board for a little bit. This has meant pretty much everything except gentle sleeping, occasionally watching HIMYM and sometimes (keyword: SOMETIMES) reading, has come to a screeching halt. I only just have the energy for posting this right now, but I hope to be able to make some videos and put up some more written book reviews soon.

Okay, so, onto today's topic. There are actually SO MANY books on my shelves that I have started but not finished (many of them are now in my TBR jar...), but these are the ones at the front of my mind...


For those who have been watching my youtube videos, you may know by now how this book has become my Everest. (Although, many books are my Everest... All piled up.) I have made about four conscious efforts to finish this book and I'm still not done. Granted, in many editions it is separated into three books, but I have the giant (gorgeous) edition and I have been on page 437 since the Booktube-a-thon. One day, Murakami. One day.


And for those who have been following my written reviews, you will know that I had a pretty serious John Green phase a few months back. I read The Fault in Our Stars and Looking for Alaska in quick succession, but then halted on An Abundance of Katherines. I know other people who have had trouble with this one, but I think my trouble was just because other books came into my life and I got distracted. New and shiny books. Distraction.
Anyway, my Collins Booksellers bookmark has been marking page 83 for quite a few weeks now.


So many people mention David Levithan on youtube (John Green included) that I thought I'd give a book by him a go. I was under the impression that this was a stand-alone book, but goodreads has just informed me that a second book is expected in 2015, and a book of short stories related to 'every day' has already been published under the title 'six earlier days'. Huh. Go figure.
Either way, this doesn't change the fact that I started getting really sad while reading this book, and so I halted at page 119, and have yet to continue.


Oh man. I have had this book for so long... and the story is actually really gripping. And I LOVE Japanese literature. But I just haven't finished this one. It doesn't help that everyone who comes round to my house and sees this unfinished on my shelf asks me how I can call myself a genuine fan of all things Japanese. To these people I say: it is not the books I have read that count, it is the love in my heart.
Also, I'll finish it one day...
That will also mark the day I move on from page 183.


Arrrghhh. I am actually genuinely ashamed to not have finished this one yet. I loved loved LOVED Sabriel, and I have it plus Lirael AND Abhorsen on my shelves, but I have tried to read Lirael so many times and just never finished it. I truly do plan to finish it, and I have a feeling I'm going to adore it... But at this point that may mean going back and re-reading Sabriel as it has been too long...
This one doesn't even have a bookmark, as I admitted defeat each time.... Plus, I need bookmarks, yo.


That is all I am going to mention on this topic for now! It's actually been really fun having another look at some of the books sitting on my shelves, and has given me renewed spirit for finishing them someday. Because, despite the unfinished books on my shelves, I still love reading with everything I am!
Love to all who read. :)

How I feel about Facebook.

Friday, September 6, 2013
Thank you, Zen Pencils, for being awesome.

http://zenpencils.com/comic/129-marc-maron-the-social-media-generation/#comments

Edit: After posting this, I remembered all the reasons I had left Facebook in the first place. I do still occasionally go on my partner's account, if I am feeling lonely or disconnected, but I find it often ends up making me angry or sad. It is a place of opportunity and forward-thinking for many people, but it just isn't that for me.

In light of this, I have deactivated my blog's facebook page, and it will be deleted in two weeks time. I understand people may find this extreme - I got similar reactions upon deciding to delete my personal facebook profile nearly a year and a half ago. That's fine. I am not saying that facebook should not exist, or that it is not a good tool to use. It just isn't for me. I hope people will continue to support my blog and youtube account regardless of my personal views on this particular form of social media. I'm still me, I'm just not on facebook.

Love to all who read.

General Updates

Wednesday, September 4, 2013
In the spirit of playfulness, a few things in this update will be anagrams of their original selves (this is a style reminiscent of dearest Havi over at The Fluent Self Blog). This is partly because some things are hard to say out loud (or...in black and white. Or pixels. You know what I mean!) and partly because some anagrams are really hilarious.

So. On with it!

General Updates or Erupted Lasagne


  • I realised about a week or two ago that I'm actually really happy with my life. Yes, my health could always be healthier, and being unable to work kind of makes getting money (Gene Got Minty) quite hard, so I worry about the future. But overall, life is awesome.
  • The above is because I am finally doing things that I absolutely adore, like reading, writing, studying, reviewing books, and getting my name out there as someone who does these things. [There was a substantial pause in writing here while I ate a really delicious strawberry.]
  • This week has brought up a few difficult things (Indict Fifth Slug) which has meant I've been feeling a little bit depressed (Speed Reds), but I bounce back from these things so much faster these days.
  • I am making efforts to attend to all different parts of my life - not just study and family, but spirituality, friendships, and creativity. It makes for a much happier Beth.
  • Finally, I have started dreaming of Spring things, and gleefully giggling over things that I can do when the warmer weather is here to stay - like picnics, reading outside, going for glorious walks, and playing with Bronte without getting covered in mud or rain XD
  • Things with Xin are going really well. We're still dealing with the fact that he's so busy and we get little time together, but I think we're doing okay. Part of that is because I had the opportunity to prepare myself for his absence in the lead up to his placement, but also because I am enjoying being busy myself with reading and study.

That's about it! Sorry about blog posts coming a bit later than usual - I have a few uni assignments (Insanest Musing) that I'm working on and so brainstorming blog ideas is kind of at the back of my mind. But I have a few ideas that I'll be working on soon.
Love to all who read!

Keeping Pace with Life

Sunday, September 1, 2013
Mr Bee - photo taken near my house~

When people ask me what I've been up to, and I tell them my five main things: study, resting, reading, blogging, and vlogging - occasionally they ask some questions. 'How can you fit in all the reading for the Aurealis Awards when you're trying to deal with study and your health at the same time?' Even more rarely, there's outright disbelief - "I don't think you can be reading that much, particularly when you're so sick!"

Okay, so maybe they're not that straightforward, but sometimes I can see the questions or the disbelief in their eyes, or see it hiding behind their words. Perhaps that's a reflection of my own fears. Either way, it's there, and I have chosen to give you nice people my three main tactics when it comes to keeping up with life.

Tactic One: Get Organised
Organisation is something I have zest for. I am devoted to stationery in a way that most people reserve for shoes or bags. (Not as much as books, though. Books always come first.) I make a point of trying to keep to a schedule of posting for my blog, and I write little reminders for myself to film new videos for my youtube channel. I make a note in my diary for when any assignments are due, and I keep to-do lists of all kinds to keep up with readings. I have a little book dedicated to my Aurealis Awards books, where I keep notes on the storyline, setting, and characters. 
In short, I spend a LOT of time at my desk. I don't think I would have decided to do these things if I didn't think I could get organised for them.

Tactic Two: Allow for Hiccups
With my health often interjecting to remind me of things ('you're not over that cold yet!', 'remember how you get tired a lot?', 'random pain alert!'), I always need to have a plan B in store. I need to be able to give myself time to recover, or at least to take things a bit slower. I need to ALLOW for those times when everything just falls down and I can't get out of bed.
Yes, I do still have times where I get overly frustrated that I'm 'still' sick, but I believe I'm getting better at dealing with them.
Rest always needs to factor in - even if it takes the form of doing study in bed.

Tactic Three: Enthusiasm and Craving
I could have just as easily written 'passion' here, but I feel like that word is overused a bit. Either way, if I wasn't absolutely crazy about reading and writing, I wouldn't try to do what I'm doing. It would make no sense. I crave the written word. If I go too long without reading, I feel a bit strange.
I am so enthusiastic about books that I started a youtube channel DEDICATED to talking about books. I actively seek out people who love books like I do, and I long for the perfect book club. Books and writing: they're my thing, guys.

The above three points could be applied to a lot of things, but I think it just highlights how a 'go with the flow' kind of approach to life can be invaluable. I'm not saying be so laid-back that you don't care about anything (that would negate the whole 'craving' bit), but just recognise when you're holding on to things too tightly, and be willing to let them go.
Love to all who read.
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