Desk Chair Musings: A "Real" Illness

A fairly common sight for me.

I am in a thoughtful mood tonight. My thoughts mostly revolve around two subjects: my dream career and my health.
This two topics of thought swirl around in my mind very often - breaking apart and coming together and a strange and mesmerising dance.
Or, rather than a dance, something that just makes me dizzy and confused.

I am excited by many prospects of working in the 'word industry' - I want to be able to work from home most of the time, but want to be able to work at an office or elsewhere some of the time. I would love to work for a publishing house, or a magazine as a freelance reviewer or writer. I would love to have my creative work published. Mostly, I want to be paid for what I already do - read and write.

With thoughts about working, I call into question my health. My health has (forcibly) become my top priority over the last ten years or so. I occasionally swing wildly from feeling like it is a blessing in disguise,to desperately worrying about what the future will bring. My topic of choice to brood on tonight? A familiar friend, one that goes away sometimes but always returns in the end: is what I have a 'real' illness?

There is so much that can go into that. There is guilt and worry and sadness, helplessness and worthlessness is never far behind. Anger can arise, as can stubbornness and determination. I want to be able to be a person who says 'I don't need a label for my illness to know how to live' and believe it all the time. I fear the critical voice that (not as often, these days) rears its ugly head to point out that most people supposedly recover from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after five years. (The CFS diagnosis was applied to me in 2009, that would mean next year is the golden year.) I fear that I won't get better and I will let everyone down that is relying on this statistic. And yet, I am also strangely scared of getting better.

I have become somewhat accustomed to being sick - to being unable to do as much as other people. Suddenly getting better would be a blessing, but I have to wonder how quickly I will be able to adapt to a new existence that isn't dictated by my lack of energy and my continued unexplainable pains and symptoms.

Yet again, my musings have simply showed me how I am going around in circles on this matter and need to take a break. There is no ultimate answer to all of this - I may never be fit for work again, or I could suddenly get better and just deal with it at that point in time.

Either way, I like to think I'll always keep trying to be a better person.

2 comments musings

The Fault In Our Stars Movie

I am so supremely excited for this.

2 comments emotions, i am excite, video

Tea Review: Arctic Fire [T2]

So, here's the deal. I love tea. I love how it can help with an upset tummy, soothe a sore throat, put you to sleep or pep you up. It can even just be a general calmer. 
In Tea Reviews I will give you a few details of the tea, an overall rating, and some thoughts. If you see something you like, I encourage you to go and try the tea yourself! I'll often try and let you know where you can buy it or provide a link.
Enjoy!
(Psst! If you want me to review a specific tea, just comment and let me know! If you can provide a sample, that would be great too!)

Arctic Fire

link to T2 website...

Initial Thoughts: This tea smells really good. According to the website, it has 'apricot and peach flavours and a grapefruit bite' which really comes through in the scent. However, it does not taste the way it smells. It's a bit odd.

Taste: A little strange if you've spent time inhaling the aroma of this one. It has the familiar black tea flavour, but with a slightly bitter flavour over the top - almost metallic, at times. I can see why people would be drawn to this - particularly if the scent is anything to go by - but I am not a fan so far.

Colour: A rich copper-red.

Recommendations and thoughts: While the instructions for this one only say to give it 2 or 3 minutes brewing time, I might try out a longer brewing time in future, to see if the peach and apricot flavours will come through. I think this would make for a good afternoon drink, provided you had some sweet biscuits to have with it.

Price: This one clocks in at $13.50 for 100g at the time of writing.

Next time... I will be moving on to the teas I mentioned previously from Brew Tea, as we are almost out and I will probably cry after that. 'til next time! :)

2 comments reviews, tea

My Current Book Wishlist

I pretty much always think about books. I am even currently watching a youtube video about books. I read books ABOUT BOOKS.

Okay. Stopping.

Anyway, I like books. So, I thought I'd show you a few books that I am of the wanting right now... WITH LINKS AND PICTURES. [psst: if you want to read the blurbs of these, click on the goodreads link underneath the image! :)]



Number One:

find on goodreads

SO MANY BOOKTUBERS are talking about how much they loved this book. I want it.

Number Two:

goodreads link!

Okay. I read the first book of this awhile ago.... AND I WANT THIS. Why has it been so long?

Number Three:

linky!

Okay... this one doesn't even have a cover yet. It isn't released until next year. But I just. I want it, guys. I want it.

Number Four:

myssssterrriooooouuussss

On the subject of books that have yet to be released... The Doors of Stone by Patrick Rothfuss. He indicated recently that the next book will probably be released in 2014. And I just want to say here that I think Mr Rothfuss should take as MUCH TIME AS HE NEEDS to finish this, because then it will be awesome. I am happy to wait for this one, but... at the same time... you guessed it. I WANT IT.

Okay... there's more than four. But these are the ones I'm thinking about a lot lately. Yay books!!! What books are you wanting?? :3

2 comments books, Wishlist

First Book Haul Ever!

4 comments books, video

Making your peace with being sick

reading in bed with hot chocolate

This post began stirring in my mind yesterday - my fourth day of being too sick to do much other than watch tv and occasionally read. I have been down with a bad flu for about five days now - I saw it coming and was able to rest accordingly, but that doesn't mean I didn't react to being sick as I usually do. I thought I'd write a little post about the process I've had to go through almost every day to even begin to enjoy my resting time.

Frustration
As I've had some decent experience with being sick, I tend to know the drill when some new bug gets into my system. Rest, lots of fluids, suitable medication and/or painkillers. I figure that I've got the 'recovery mode' pretty well memorised by now.
But after a few days, I get restless. I want to get back to my studies, I want to read something without feeling like the room is spinning and my head is going to explode. I want to eat something without feeling nauseous. Basically, I want to be BETTER ALREADY.
I begin to get frustrated with my body for not being better yet, or with the flu itself for still hanging around even though I've been trying to get rid of it.
I reach the point where I just want to say 'okay! That's enough resting! Back to real life!' and just be able to do that.
But it doesn't work like that. My body takes quite awhile to fight these attacks off, and getting frustrated just leads to anxiety and stress. You start looking into the future and wondering how you're going to get 'all that done' when you're still sick NOW.

Convincing Others
Often after getting frustrated, you feel like you need to justify to yourself and others that you are actually 'properly sick'. From the anxiety and stress you've created within yourself, you begin to doubt your own body or mind. 'I've been sick for so long, no one's going to believe that I'm still sick!' or 'I can't still be sick. I must be better and I'm just slacking off! People are going to think I'm lazy!' are common slogans for me, though I'm never fully conscious of them passing through my brain waves.
I find myself in this stage trying to talk to my parents or my partner, describing symptoms they have no need to know about, and talking about all the plans I've made for when I get better so I can get 'back on track' immediately. In a way, this is kind of like tempting fate. I get so worked up over this part that I often make myself sicker, which means it takes longer for me to get to the point of carrying out all those plans I made.
This stage ends up wasting time and energy for you, and for those you are trying to convince.
And sometimes, it just comes down to feeling lonely and isolated after so many days of trying to look after yourself without talking to other people very much.
That's okay. Just notice when you're looking for company and when you're looking for validation of how you feel.

Acceptance
You know what? To get back to all those carefully laid-out plans, and all those things you want/need to do, you have to get better. And pushing yourself too early can mean being sick for a longer period of time.
Do what you need to do for your health - see the doctor, set yourself up in bed, put on that comfort tv series, grab that book. Keep your fluids up. Try to renew your interest in things that you can do in a restful manner - remember that tv series you borrowed from a friend? Try to get through some of it. That book you've been meaning to finish? See if you can get through another chapter.
A favourite past-time of mine is to watch kid's tv shows in the morning. It gives my day a bit of structure when otherwise there would be none. I watch things like The Octonauts and Mouk while I eat my breakfast, and then I see how I'm feeling. By gently being in the present moment, you can show yourself how good it is to give yourself time to heal.

For all those dealing with flus and colds right now, I'm sending you healing vibes.

2 comments health, thoughts

Drunk on Emotions

One of the days of self-portraits...

As I was falling asleep last night, I got to reminiscing. And I have to say, I think there are two types of reminiscing (if I were to indulge in wild generalisations...). There's the good, cheerful kind, and the bad, regretful kind.

Last night, I noticed how I was going towards the regretful path. I didn't try to stop it, I just observed it happening. Rather than being completely involved in it, I watched the regular pattern - thinking about past friends who are no longer in my life (cue 'Somebody I Used to Know' by Gotye), and other assorted relationships that ended up going absolutely nowhere reaaaally slowly and painfully.

As my mind travelled along these well-worn pathways, I thought about how this tends to happen at night. I thought about how it felt and what I could relate it to. And I realised that it kind of felt like my brain was marinating in this old emotions - much as my brain would marinate in alcohol if I were drunk. It makes it hard to think about anything other than the emotions of the past - they feel so much more present during these times.

And, much like when drunk, during these times I feel the overwhelming urge to contact the people from my past that I feel there is unfinished business with. I have to actually convince myself NOT to contact these people. Because the fact of the matter is that I think I will get some kind of desirable response out of them - one I didn't receive when they were in my life. That would require the person to do a 180 turn in their personality. Ultimately, I have to acknowledge that while I am in this mood, I cannot trust my own perceptions of what ought to be done. Because that time is past now.

I fear that this may have become a bit too much rambling now, so I will sign off here. Just one question though - do you find yourself in this mood sometimes? It seems, even without the assistance of alcohol, I can become overwhelmingly caught up in my own emotions.

2 comments confuddlism, emotions, thoughts

Tea Review: Irish Breakfast [T2 and otherwise]

So, here's the deal. I love tea. I love how it can help with an upset tummy, soothe a sore throat, put you to sleep or pep you up. It can even just be a general calmer. 
In Tea Reviews I will give you a few details of the tea, an overall rating, and some thoughts. If you see something you like, I encourage you to go and try the tea yourself! I'll often try and let you know where you can buy it or provide a link.
Enjoy!
(Psst! If you want me to review a specific tea, just comment and let me know! If you can provide a sample, that would be great too!)

Irish Breakfast

sourced from the T2 website

Initial thoughts: Again, a tea that I have had a lot on the past, but I haven't actually had in some time. The aroma of this tea before it's even brewed is fantastic - very strong and comforting. The taste was similar - if you're not a fan of strong tea, I would probably recommend steering clear of this one. It's definitely worth a try, though!

Taste: This taste is full of comfort - it's not as astringent as English Breakfast and even has a bit of a sweet edge to it. It is quite strong, but it's just perfect if you're craving a tea to wake you up and give you that moment of 'ahh' (satisfied sigh, not scream).

Colour: A deep red. Kind of coppery.

Recommendations and thoughts: 100 degrees Celsius fits this tea perfectly, and I don't brew it for too long - I find that the strong flavour comes in quite quickly. I'd say no longer than 3 minutes brew-time. This tea is great for breakfast (as indicated in the name) but also as a pick-me-up for morning or afternoon tea. (I just had mine with a banana and a gf biscuit, so I'm happy :3)

Overall rating: 4 out of 5 cups. Oddly enough, I find this tea to be less overwhelming than English Breakfast tea - perhaps because the flavour is stronger, but the caffeine level is not, so I don't feel the need to have too much. This tea is just so comforting and delicious.

Price: Similarly to English Breakfast, this tea is quite widely available. I am more familiar with the Twinings brand, which you can get from most supermarkets and is very good. This time round I tried T2's loose leaf style this time round, and I was really pleased with it. A 100g box of that will set you back about $11.


Next time... I've been asked by Xin to review Arctic Fire, a black tea (also available from T2), so I will be trying that out. I also have some lovely tea from England that was brought back for my family by my brother. That's from a gorgeous company called Brew Tea and is just lovely, so look out for that!

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gentle link suggestions...

my glorious study

As there are quite a few things happening right now, I haven't really had time to get my brain into 'writing a blog post' mode. Mostly it's in 'need to be reading and studying' mode as I am now back at Uni and also receiving a load of books to judge for the Aurealis Awards! Most of my spare moments are spent reading right now XD

Though, if anyone could do this job, I reckon it's me. Loads of books delivered straight to me? Spending most of my time reading? Being organised enough to take notes on each book? Oh yeah. I'm there.

In the interest of sharing a few things that have made me super happy lately, I thought I'd do a quick post for you guys with some links! Won't that be fun? Yes. Yes it will.

To start with, I'm going to help you to experience the same excitement I do about the Aurealis Awards by providing you with the links and info all about the awards! Wooooo! Book partyyyy. :D Just head here: http://www.aurealisawards.com/index.htm and have a click around if you so choose!

Videos I am loving this week...

Ryan Higa as Naruto? In Japan? Awesome.

Joss Whedon takes on Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing? Heck yes!!

And that's all for now! As I need to go do some study... Love to all who read. :)

Leave a Comment general, links

On why I re-read some books.

picture found here

Sometimes I give a significant amount of thought towards my reading habits (wait... doesn't everyone?). For example, some months I will just get through books at a extremely fast rate, and other months - though I am still reading - I seem to only get through one or two books at most.
And, realistically, I have quite a few books that I want to get through - not just in my lifetime, but in particular this year.

So why re-read?
To be honest I think it's mostly because I need to refresh my memory on a certain premise, or I need to remind myself of the emotions that I feel while reading a particular book. A few of my favoured re-reads are books about reading - ones that have always (without fail) rekindled my love for reading when I've been having a bit of a reading slump.
Another favourite re-read is Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I have read this multiple times since I first bought it back on my first or second year of uni. The reason I read this one is because, despite reading being a very solitary activity, it helps me to reconnect to the world. It reminds me of certain things that I love - eating, meditating, focusing on the little things, love itself. 

The book I just finished reading for the second time is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (pictured above). I can' really say what drew me to picking it up again, but the main (flimsy) reason I remember was that I hadn't actually read my physical copy before - having read it on my kindle previously. I wanted to read it so I could put it back on my shelf and know that I had pored over it's pages. And I'm really glad that I did. While I don't feel that this book is life-changing, I do think it makes you think a bit more - and thinking about happiness in particular seems a pretty good past-time.

Ultimately, I think I re-read things because I need to reclaim some part of myself that I remember having while I read that book before. In a way, I guess I'm journeying back to myself through the pages of someone else's book.

Make of that what you will. Love to all who read even the most disjointed posts on this blog.

Leave a Comment books, musings