Oh unknowable Universe!

Stormy sunset

After I wrote my post on lacking community the other day, I had an interesting experience.
Due to new health symptoms needing to be investigated, I went in to have some blood tests done on Monday. This hasn't really happened for awhile, but it's not something unusual for me.

Now, let me point out that I don't have a problem with needles. I used to have two needles a week, so I was kind of used to it. This time, however, something happened. The nurse couldn't get any blood out of my arm, so she tried a different kind of needle. I started to feel nauseous, nearly fainted, and then was forced to lie down. I went to the doctor's office by car, alone. I was advised to not drive until I felt a bit better.

Normally, I would wait around by myself, then eventually go home and cancel the rest of my day and stay at home, alone, feeling sorry for myself and guilty about having to cancel everything I had planned. This time, I was very happily surprised. And very grateful.

I ran into some dear friends at the doctor's office, who watched out for me after my near-fainting episode. They also walked me back to my car and chatted to me until I was feeling better. (Thank you so much to them, it meant so much - particularly since you were both unwell! Thank you for your kindness.)

After I got home, I noticed I was shaking and had broken into a cold sweat. My stomach was hurting quite awfully. I had quite a bit that I wanted to do that day, including a much anticipated trip to see my cousin and her new puppy. I was sad that I was going to have to cancel it, but as one of my friends had said earlier that day 'don't be stubborn just because you have things to do, your health comes first' or something to that effect. I called my cousin and... she was completely fine. She told me to feel better soon and we'd catch up soon (turned out to be Tuesday morning ^_~).

I then contacted Xin, and he was equally amazing. He changed his plans and came over to my house, bearing dohnuts as a gift. He spent time sitting with me, making me feel better and generally being lovely.

I guess what this has all said to me is that I DO have a community, it's just that they are slightly more distant and harder to access than I had envisioned. But, every now and then, I am truly amazed at the amount and love and care that can hold me when I feel defeated. And I am so grateful, because that love and care is what helps me to build myself back up again. To remember that, while I have been sick for awhile, that doesn't mean I can't still enjoy the little things in life.

Do you have people in your 'extended community' that make you feel supported and joyful? Do you feel that there might be a link missing in your community? Can you restore this or renew it in some way?

4 comments emotions, musings, warm fuzzies

how I feel about children's programs

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanart by Chibiterasu-chan (source)

Occasionally the people close to me get a little bit irritated with my tv-watching habits. To be completely honest, I tend to prefer reading to watching movies or tv series, but that doesn't mean I don't still spend time watching things! In fact, the thing that people get irritated with is that I will tend to become completely addicted to a particular show and, regardless of how many times I've watched, will continue to put it on to watch (or even just to have on in the background while I do something else).

Something else I should explain about my watching habits.... I don't tend to watch things with lots of violence, gore, or loud noises (except for when a new superhero movie like Iron Man 3 comes out ^_~). The reason for this is fairly simple, but it's something a lot of people don't tend to understand.

Basically, because my health issues are strongly affected by stress and my adrenal system, and also because I tend to be highly sensitive, I avoid watching (or reading) things that make me feel stressed and anxious. This means that, yes, I miss out on a lot of impressive movies and books, but I'm okay with that. And yes, sometimes people don't understand this because they believe it amounts to a naive or limited worldview. That may be so, but I'm okay with that. I learn about the world through other avenues, and I enjoy everything that I consume - be it tv based or book based.

Anyway! Now that that's out of the way, onto the subject at hand: children's shows! I have quite a few favourites, most of them anime or cartoons. An obvious favourite is above: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Another absolute favourite is Cardcaptor Sakura. What others, you ask? Why, Ben 10, Yu-Gi-Oh, Zoo Mix, and Octonauts, to name a few.

Obviously I used to watch programs like this when I WAS a kid, but, as I grew up I learned that it was unusual for older people to watch them. For a few years I was embarrassed by my desire to watch shows with colourful characters, simple morals, and an overall message of love, support, and friendship.

Over the past few years as I got to know myself a little better and realised how much stress bothered me, I began to avoid certain things. First, I decided to avoid everything classified as 'horror'. I had realised during my high school years that I could watch (and even enjoy) horror and scary movies with all my friends, but then I would be incapable of sleeping for a week - thanks to the terrifying images my imagination conjured up. So horror was the first to go.

After a little while, I realised that a lot of action series focused on murder and apprehending criminals would leave me feeling breathless, unwell, and even a little scatter-brained and spiritually disconnected. So I decided to try out avoiding things like that (I should note that I have some exceptions: e.g. Sherlock and Castle - however they aren't so much about loud explosions or high-speed chases; more about problem-solving and intelligence with the occasional bit of humour). And, honestly, I feel much better for it.

Since then, I have decided to accept that I love children's shows and movies. They make me feel joyful, happy and content. Many of the messages in the shows are not aimed solely at kids, and I find I get a lot out of the humour used in them. And, the fact is, the underlying message of love and connection? It just gives me warm fuzzies. And, for someone who sometimes has to spend a lot of time alone, that's so important to me.

Do you have any favourite kids shows? What about movies? Have you watched a particular Disney movie more than once (my current favourite is Tangled)?

2 comments emotions, musings

Giving myself time.

green smoothie time!

Hello everyone!
I am feeling better today, which I am so grateful for. I think last week I worked myself so hard getting assignments done and such that I just had a resulting collapse this week. It was really hard for me to accept, to be honest, so I kept fighting it. Despite waking up on Tuesday morning feeling stiff and ridiculously sore, I still got up, did a load of things, even went out shopping.
So, by Tuesday night, I was just feeling completely shattered.
Yesterday I woke up and I felt not only physically drained, but mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. I wasn't sure WHAT I felt overwhelmed about, but I sure felt it! I was panicking about having to do even the smallest thing. Luckily, my amazing partner Xin was able to talk me through it without my having a panic attack, and I was able to go back to my usual coping mechanisms: namely, 'one thing at a time' and 'just breathe'. I ended up getting some stuff done with his help, and I am so thankful. I actually ended up having the best day with him, too. :)

As to the detox of books and DVDs - that's is mostly finished now. Well, I've finished pulling things off shelves and reorganising. For now, my study floor is covered with piles of books and DVDs waiting to go to new homes. A couple have already been claimed, but I am hoping to give a few more away (for $1 each - the Save the Bethwyn fund!) and then donate the rest to an op-shop. For an idea of how much I have decided to give up...

Cute puppy curled up next to kingdom of books and DVDs...

So yes! A lot. I think this detox + needing more time to move through whatever was happening just makes me remember how I need to give myself time to deal with things. Today I am feeling much more cheerful, but physically quite sore. Soon, once my flu symptoms calm down a bit more, I will be heading to the doctor for my additional blood tests. I am unsure what to think, really, as I am so used to all tests coming back normal. Ah well, I will continue on because life is gorgeous, regardless of your physical state.

Love to all who read.

4 comments musings

Detoxing

A short post today as I am having a bit of a rough patch health-wise.
I just wanted to mention that, recently, I've been having this overwhelming feeling that I need to let go of a load of books and dvds. So, that's what I'm doing!
Those who follow me on Instagram will have seen the picture of some of the books I'm letting go of. It feels quite amazing! And it has also made me realise what I WANT in my collection, rather than continuously filling my shelves up with impulse buys.
Do you ever feel like detoxing your possessions?

Leave a Comment rambling, thoughts

Lacking Community.

A lot of what I've been reading lately in relation to 'getting better' (it is in quotation marks because I'm not entirely sure that it's the correct term for me) has suggested that the people more likely to get through difficult illnesses have a strong connection with friends, family, and a wider community.

Having read this, I have been thinking lately of what my own community used to be like, and how it has changed since I got sicker.

I will say that I am not in a particularly happy frame of mine right at this moment, so I apologise if this post is rather negative or melancholy, but I think I need to process this a little bit through writing before I can figure out what to do next.

Basically, I was beginning to get sick back in high school (now about 9 years since I started getting worse). At that time, I was involved with multiple friend groups - I would visit the one that called to me at each time, and I found I was able to make friends with most people regardless of their 'status' in the social hierarchy. I am not entirely sure I was happy at this point in time - because of having multiple friend groups with multiple interests, a lot of the time I felt as if I was faking who I was. I had become the metaphorical chameleon.

After high school finished, it was like a great weight lifted off of me and I was able to be a bit kinder to myself. Not very kind, however, as during second year I had a kind of mental and physical breakdown which stopped me from leaving the house without one or more of the following: panic attack, depression so dark I couldn't care less what happened to me, multiple physical symptoms all the way down to fatigue so heavy I couldn't move. It was incredibly difficult for me but, with the support of my family and Xin, I was able to go see a counsellor and work my way back to uni. Oh, and anti-depressants played a part at that time, too.

As you can imagine, my deteriorating physical and mental health did not do wonders for my social life. There are still times for me when I'm around a lot of people when I feel claustrophobic and I can't breathe too well.

It has actually gotten to the point these days where I count about three people (including Xin) outside my family that I feel comfortable talking to about my health and mental state. These are the people I count in my support network. I have others, but they are further out and feel more distant for me. This has obviously disturbed me enough that I have started dreaming about people that I used to be close with in the past. I dream about having talks with them, laughing with them, and, overall, feeling supported and loved and loving them in return.

Part of me thinks this is all too hard and I should wait for others to approach me, but I know it doesn't work that way. It seem that, through my required move away from life to support my health, I have developed something of a social phobia. I think, perhaps, it is time to move on from that.

Love to all who read.

P.S. I know a lot of these posts are pretty introspective, but I hope that in some way they are helping others to move through their own stuff. Once again, please note that I do not want any advice here, or negative comments. Everyone has there own stuff that they're dealing with - let's respect that and be supportive instead of tearing them down. Love.

2 comments dreams, emotions, musings, thoughts

Noticing the fear.

Limes from our tree :)

I have been pretty engrossed in a couple of assignments for that last few days, and that won't lift for another couple. I suddenly realised that I hadn't planned anything for tomorrow's blog post and I wondered what to post. (Oddly enough, now I am posting early instead of not posting at all. Weird.)

I do have plans for a few book reviews and some tea reviews soon, but for now I might just continue with my personal musings until I have the time to dedicate to that.

In the spirit of sharing what I was talking about with my Fear post a week ago, I wrote something a few days ago (originally to myself, to understand what was going on) that I'd like to share here.

I would like to say first, though, that I am not looking for advice in this matter. I am merely sharing it in the hopes that I can reach out to people, and also to understand myself a little better. I will endeavour not to make excuses for myself in this, but I only want supportive comments, or no comments at all. Please respect my wishes. :)

Without further ado...

I have established within myself over the past couple of days a resolution to deal with something that I have been fearful of for some time. Perhaps years now.

After finally receiving some sort of diagnosis that I was, indeed, sick - chronically so - and that there was a chance I might not get better, I did my best to reconcile my expectations of my life and to move forward in the only way I knew how. By accepting who I was, who I had become, and what that might mean for the future. I seem to recall finding that difficult, but I can't really bring the sensation to mind immediately. I believe a lot of the discomfort came from outside expectations of me hitting up against my acceptance of my - for wont of a better word - fate.

It seems that I sentenced myself to living the best way I knew how - by removing myself from the outside world. To an extent. There were (and still are) always parts of me that became crabby and antsy and grumpy with this turn of events, but any suggestion of 'getting better' or finding a 'cure' were met with an overwhelming rise of rejection and (now that I recognise it) fear within me. Getting better meant a lot of things that I was not prepared to deal with, as much as I had dreamed I was a mentally healthy person.

Getting better... what does that idea mean to me? Why does it stir such feelings of discomfort and dislike within me? By all accounts, I should WANT to be rid of these pains, discomforts. The nausea, the body aches, the headaches, the stomach aches, the concentration disturbances, the visual issues, the failing immune system.

I guess, somewhere along the road, getting better meant things like the following: having to get a full-time job, having to work until I fell over, having to go back into the outside world and try to make friends, to deal with other people, facing up to the political climate in the world (and the issues relating to climate change), dealing with the idea that I may fail at what I've dreamt of doing all my life - write.

As much as I subconsciously fought it, the outside world kept seeping in at the cracks, like a cartoon where the main character tries to block the holes in a sinking ship. The outside world cannot be kept out. It came in through the small group of people I saw, the television I watched, the books I read, and, of course, my uni degrees. My ill health helped me to realise lots of things about my unhealthy attachment styles, my issues of wanting to please everybody at the expense of my own personality, and what I truly wanted to do with my life.

I have realised lately that getting better doesn't have to mean all those things sweeping in - I don't HAVE to get a full-time job [there are always other ways], and I don't have to be anything other than myself. And in terms of failing at being a writer? I'm not going down without a fight.

So, I guess that this all really comes down to fear of failure. Fear of not being able to make it in the real world. And that has made it difficult for me to picture myself as healthy. But it's getting easier. I gave my fears time to rise to the surface, and they are fears I have seen before in so many other people, and in myself before. So the next thing that I'm going to do? Believe in myself. Work smart (not hard). Take each day step-by-step. Lean in to my safety net of lovely people. And remember to breathe.

4 comments emotions, inspiration, musings, thoughts

Little Reminders

This post may end up sounding like a broken record of mantras and cliches... but I want to write it, so here goes!

There are a few things that I am trying to remember lately:

The most important person is the one you are with, so give them your attention and give them the experience of being HEARD. That's what you want, right?

You are enough. You don't need to change yourself to get something more, or to be something more: you are ENOUGH right in this moment.

Remember that the mantra 'This Too Shall Pass' does not only apply to bad things, it applies to good things. It reminds us that pain does not last a lifetime, but also to appreciate the happy times when they are here.

Listen to your intuition: if only to experience that jolt of pleasure when you do.

Experience the magic in each moment as fully as you can, simply because you can.

Kick negative self-talk to the curb - it's just not worth your time.

Embrace who you are!! If My Little Pony makes you cry, that's awesome! (Yes, Season Three has made me cry multiple times. XD) If you like New Age Spirituality because it makes you feel happy, don't feel the need to justify that!

And that's about it... Those are some of the small things swirling around in my head lately. I hope you have an amazing Sunday, and Happy Mother's Day to all the Mums out there! :D

P.S. I haven't done a tea or book review in awhile because I've been caught up in some of my own stuff, plus knocked sideways by a virus. But I have a couple planned for the coming weeks so stay tuned! :)

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I adore bloglovin'! :)

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Fear

I don't think that there is any FINAL and DEFINITE solution to dealing with fear.

Because it is an emotion we create, and EXPERIENCE, intensely. 

In some situations, facing your fear is the only way to move forward. We can revel in the courage that it took us to do that; we can call ourselves heroes and truly feel such.

In other situations, gently making friends with our fear is what works. Getting to know it, understand it. Meeting ourselves where we are and showing compassion for that instead of charging in with swords raised to fight a foe that is already cowering in the corner.

Sometimes fear is helpful - it assists us in knowing that we are alive and that we have something to fight for in this life. There is so much emotion and strength in that.

I am tentatively turning to face a fear this week. One that has been slowly coming to the surface of the pool of my mind. One that truly terrifies me and, if it is true (perhaps I'm still in denial), makes me want to run and hide; or to lash out at those that give suggestions on how to deal with it.

I cannot yet articulate it to anyone - I find I cannot understand it myself and to announce it to anyone else would shatter the calm and tentative exploring that I am carrying out.

I am neither making friends with this fear nor am I fighting it (yet). I am simply watching and waiting. Curious at what shape it will take when it finally reveals itself properly. Examining the parts I can see and trying to figure out how deep the go, and if it has connections to anything else.

Now that I have written that.. I see it like a water lily - it is just beginning to bloom on the surface of my mind. I can see the beginning of it's opening petals, it's leaves, but I cannot see what is underneath - how far down do those roots go? What else is down there feeding off of this fear?

I have spent a few days fighting the impulse to explore this, but I know I can't do that any more. I need to go within. If I cannot remove this water lily, at the very least I can watch it bloom and figure out the how, why and when later.

Love to all who read.

4 comments emotions, musings, thoughts

The difficult things to say.

I think part of the reason that I spend so much time thinking is that I have taught myself to internalise things more than I used to.

I still talk to those I trust a LOT when they're around (honestly, it's like a dam bursting), but it's usually about things like assignments, what I think about current issues in the news, or me trying to process new emotions or symptoms.

I don't really talk about how trapped I feel inside my own body sometimes, or how alone I feel with my symptoms, or how I seem to question myself almost every second day STILL on whether I am being lazy or not.

These are the things that are difficult to say.

There are times when my body feels like the enemy, despite the fact that I work hard at my relationship with it. 'It'. I even refer to my body as a separate entity - sometimes different parts have different personalities. My stomach is particularly sensitive (I used to refer to it as 'scared rabbit'), my back tries to be tough and keep everything together, but often ends up in more pain because of its efforts.

On some days I have so many symptoms - pain throughout my body, a general feeling of heaviness, sore throat, glands swollen to the point of restricting breathing, fuzzy vision, clouded thoughts, and, let's be honest, a general sense of gloom. I am better at cheering myself up despite the physical symptoms, but, for a while, I can feel it.

That sense of being trapped inside a body that doesn't want to do anything other than tend its wounds. That feeling of being trapped, scared, helpless.
Useless.

And then comes the questioning. It stems from the fact that what I have is never defined specifically. Sure, there are labels. Possibilities. There is the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome label that I use to best describe things, but it is not possible to properly diagnose that. It's more of a 'if-it's-none-of-these-other-things-than-maybe-it's-CFS' thing.

There are many questions: is this something I create through anxiety (so I SHOULD control my anxiety better to get healthier)? Am I just being lazy and have convinced myself that I am unwell? Is this all because I ate a piece of bread three days ago?

This is too much for one body (and mind) to deal with. And, when I go down this road, I end up going around in circles. Because there is no right answer here. There is no ultimate resolution for this.

And, while I may sound resigned and depressed in this post, this tends to be a fleeting state these days. I have grown to see the positives with this life I have been given. I have been given the gift of following what I truly want to do, even if it might not be on my own terms sometimes. Even if I have to continue dealing with strange and somewhat unwanted symptoms for the rest of my life, this life has allowed me to realise that I have greater resilience than I ever thought possible.

I have looked all over the place for some sign that someone else lives in the two worlds (that of the healthy and the sick) in the same way I do. But ultimately, no one does. Not in the exact same way and with the same attitude as me. So, I have come to one conclusion, and I will work towards it as much as I can.

I need to inspire myself.

Leave a Comment health, sick, thoughts

Tea Review: Melbourne Breakfast [T2]

source

Initial thoughts: This tea has a very pleasant scent. The vanilla in this tea makes it SMELL comforting. Add that to the already comforting scent of black tea and this is already a winner, without even taste-testing.

Taste: The black tea is very similar to English Breakfast, and has a slight bitter edge to it (of course, this also depends on how much sugar you put in!). However, then the vanilla swoops in and settles your tastebuds, soothing them into submission. The taste of this tea makes me give a deep, heartfelt sigh of relaxation.

Colour: Depends on your preferred milk volume. Very similar to any other black tea.

Recommendations and thoughts: I originally bought this for the way it smelled, and also the novelty of having a tea that represented breakfast in Melbourne. T2's different teas for different Australian capital cities is winning, and I have taste-tested a few different ones in their sample boxes. I believe Sydney Breakfast has a touch of bergamot, Perth Breakfast appears to be a combination of Melbourne and Sydney (I'm reserving my thoughts on this for now), and Brisbane Breakfast has a bit of mango or some other tropical fruit. This is mostly from memory, so check out the T2 website or your local store for more info. I think they may have pulled a couple of the unsuccessful cities... which says a lot.

Anyway, this tea is absolutely divine on a cold, rainy day when you're inside and trying to keep the cold out. Highly recommended with biscuits, a good book, and a blanket or obliging furry creature.

Overall rating: 5 out of 5 cups. At a pinch I'd take off half a cup simply because my body doesn't agree with caffeine so well.

Price: Available from the T2 website for $13.50 per 100g box at time of writing. Check it out here: T2.

I highly recommend going in to a T2 store sometime, as they give great advice and often samples!

2 comments reviews, tea

Tea Party Discussion: April 2013

TeaCup from T2, Cranberry, Raspberry and Elderflower teabags a gift.

Hello lovelies! I thought I'd do a little round-up post for the end of the month, so that you can see what I've done, a few things I've been reading, and what I'm grateful for!
Won't you stay for some tea?
>offers cup< Sugar? One lump or two?

what i've been up to this month:
in a post about a week including a beautiful trip to Margaret River, I write about what I discovered in: this week sum-uppance,
I reviewed four books this month!: 1, 2, 3, 4
I reviewed Sakura Latte here! - a different kind of tea from Japan.
I wrote my first post (may be several under this name) on wellbeing vs withdrawing.
And, finally, Butterfly Elephant got it's own Facebook page! Yay!

what else i'm reading...
I have always adored reading Havi Brooks' blog The Fluent Self, but I especially loved this post - a Friday Chicken all about strengthening the sparkle!

I loved almost every single link in this post by Gala Darling - she has such a wonderful, approachable way of writing!

And this post by Jenn Gibson of Roots of She spoke to me so beautifully.

what i have been grateful for this month...
naps in the sunshine, Xin's kind, optimistic words when I felt like everything was too hard, having amazing, gorgeous books to turn to when I was feeling a bit rundown and out of touch with myself, presents from Past-Me arriving in the mail! Time and support from the people I count among my closest loves. Surprise presents from my gorgeous best friend! Letting go of guilt, and remembering that I may always have to relearn certain lessons. And that's okay.

hopes and dreams for next month!
Focus. Play. Giving myself as much rest as I need. Creative expression. Let's make this a MAGICAL MAY.

And that's all, my dears! Til next month! >tea wave< (that's a wave with your pinkie finger while holding a tea cup!)

2 comments month end