Looking back~

Saturday, October 27, 2012
Looking back is never really a good idea. I know this. But I just happened to pick up an old diary/day planner today from last year, and, just flipping through, saw every four out of seven days marked with the word 'sick'.

I saw events that I had written in, only to be updated with a cross next to them, signifying that I wasn't able to go because of health reasons.

And yet, I sit here today, wondering why I haven't heard from many of my friends in some time.

I want to get over feeling sorry for myself, but today I'm going to allow it to happen. I want comfort food, and cuddles. I want things that make me feel loved and happy.

And I don't want to think about the fact that, lately, when I call people, they are too busy to speak with me. For whatever reason. I don't want to be angry with them. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I just want to be.

Perhaps it is time, once again, for me to read 'How to Be Sick' and remember why I am the way I am. And why I love being that person.

Love to all who read.

Letter.

Saturday, October 13, 2012
To my dear friend,

I find myself thinking of you less and less lately. You have become a sensation; a feeling deep in my stomach, and a small mark on my heart.

Occasionally, when I think of you, I remember how frustrated I was with you. It brings back memories of your actions, your warmth. And also of how you didn't talk much about yourself. I used to find that incredibly irritating. I wanted to be able to respect your choice to distance yourself - I understood in part why you did it, after all. I wanted to respect that this was the way you lived your life, and, so far, it had worked. It's probably still working.

But something always made me think that it couldn't last for the rest of your life. It felt, to me, like a lonely existence. Like you never allowed yourself to get too close to people. Perhaps that's just me being judgemental and silly, but I come from a place of always wanted to know more about people.

I realise now why we couldn't be close. You never spoke to me about the 'why' or the 'how' of things, you just told me the 'what', and never elaborated. And, mostly, I'm happy to have gotten even that much. You didn't have it in you to risk your heart in the hope that you might make another close friend.

And that's okay. That's okay. Because eventually I'll find another close and special friend. And I have so many beautiful souls in my life now to help me. And, you know what? You taught me something. That I have a lot of inner power. And I feel much better when I trust in that.

I'm sending you wishes and love for your personal journey, and I hope you find what you're looking for.

Your friend,

Bethwyn

kitchen table musings: on being upset

Friday, October 12, 2012
despite spending a lot of time working on my perspectives on things, and coming to terms with my lot in life (not just that, but seeing the positive in it), I realised yesterday that I still don't allow myself to be upset very often.

Obviously I am of the group of thinkers that believe happiness can be found everywhere, and that we don't necessarily have to search high and low for it at all times. Just a change in perspective can find it.
But sometimes, when I'm upset about feeling really sick or not being able to see people as often as I'd like, I don't fully allow myself to feel that emotion. I just try to wash over it and get back to feeling happy.

This doesn't work very well. It leads to feeling grumpy, irritated, and even ignored. Because I haven't let out my feelings of being upset, they seep through the cracks and comes out in short bursts. It means that whenever I'm around certain people, if I haven't dealt with my emotions over something that happened before, they just come right on through and make me feel upset again in that person's presence. Which makes me feel like they only see me as someone who is upset a lot, because that's how I continue to act around them.

So, holding things in - it still doesn't work.

I haven't quite come up with a practise to help myself through this - I have a feeling a new ritual or space needs to be created here to deal with these feelings as they come up - but I feel better for having acknowledged that this is what I'm doing. One step forward, guys!

love to all who read.

outdoor chair musings: changing your view

Friday, October 5, 2012
this post comes live to you from my back garden. there's a Bronte dozing near my feet and butterflies skimming around nearby flowers. the sun is beautiful and the breeze brings the scent of lavender and other blossoms.

yep, i'm feeling pretty relaxed right now.

not many 'serious' thoughts have gone through my head today. mostly i've been cleaning out old drawers, putting away books that seem to keep migrating from my study to my bedside table... doing washing. that sort of thing. but i've been enjoying it.

there's many reasons why this is the case:
yes, i am not working or studying right now. this means i can do household chores at my own pace, which is amazing. i have a serious advantage over other people there. (even though, granted, sometimes i can't do anything because i'm too sick. bit of a disadvantage there...)
the weather is sunny, but not too hot.
i have the company of a very happy (and supremely relaxed) pup.
i slept well last night.

there are many reasons. but, ultimately, the reason that i feel happy doing these things comes down to the way i view them - how i approach them, what i'm thinking while i do them, my whole attitude towards them.

there are days when unloading and re-stacking the dishwasher is the bane of my existence. the very act of getting up to do it seems immense and frustrating.

today, though, i remembered something. whenever i do the dishwasher, it always takes much less time than i originally think. i always feel great that i managed to do it. AND Bronte really loves it when i put away the dinner plates for some reason (seriously, every time she hears me putting them away, she runs up all joyful and proceeds to lick my hands/arms/feet/anything she can reach. and, hey, the dishes get WASHED. woo! bazillion sparkle points to me!
it also means that no one else has to do it after a long day of work. bonus points!

i tend to approach things like washing with a certain degree of mindfulness. i find if i'm thinking about what i want to do after the washing is done, i don't enjoy it at all. but if i'm thinking about the washing - the act of putting it in the washing machine, adding soap, etc., i feel more present. and i remember that clean clothes smell and feel amazing. (it also helps that i smile every time i use our eco-friendly soap and turn the settings down to 'cold' water to save electricity - again, sparkle points!!).

cleaning out old drawers and stuff has lately been really enjoyable for me. i put on some favourite music (darren hayes has been favoured above all else lately), and try to be ruthless about what i'm hoarding and such. i tend to dance while cleaning - awesome fun, plus exercise. (yes, more sparkle points!)

when i do chores this way, i feel accomplished and happy with myself. i reward myself with rest, or a tasty treat, or both! things can be more enjoyable if we're present while we do them, you know?

love to all who read!

couch musings: more on dreams

Thursday, October 4, 2012
sometimes you don't need a reason.

sometimes trying to internalise things from every angle is just not going to be your ticket out.

sometimes you just have to trust in your basic desires; in your intuition.

because your intuition is there to support YOU.

it can be hard to just listen to your intuition, as you can feel like you're ignoring the needs of others, or that you're being selfish.

stop that. seriously. by listening to your intuition, you can help yourself to feel more centred, more capable. and thus you are able to help others more.

sometimes listening to your intuition is difficult. it can mean turning away from things you wanted to do, or postponing them.

but you need to trust that everything happens for a reason. that if it's something that you really, truly want and need in your life, it will come to you.

i'm saying all this because it's something i relearn almost every day. sometimes not often enough.

life can be so topsy-turvy and, particularly for me, sometimes kind of blank in that i can't think or do much very often. and that means i forget that i still have so much power and potential within me.

that i am still so filled with love and hope. and dreams.

sometimes i just need to stop wondering whether i'll ever become a writer, and just be one.
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