couch musings: health and dreams.

On days like today, when I'm essentially left alone with my own mind for almost the entire day, things can get pretty heavy.
My ability to write is limited - as is my ability to read - by my exacerbated condition. Concentration becomes a thing of the past, words swim before my eyes in a frustratingly unreachable manner, and my head and eyes ache like nobody's business.
As you can probably tell, my options become extremely limited. Watching tv is generally a good past-time - particularly random television, not things I truly want to watch, as my concentration and enjoyment of them is far reduced.
So, my final resort, actual thinking :P
I often think about my dreams and whether I can really do what I want to. I haven't worked on a story for a few days.
Honestly though, thinking about it at times like this is kind of fruitless. How can I possibly imagine a positive future when I am in a state of being unable to even write this blog post to my satisfaction?

You always have to remember - perhaps tomorrow when I get up, everything will be lighter and brighter and I'll feel more capable. I'm not going to give up on at least TRYING for my dreams.

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slob days.

Back when I was in high school, a dear close friend of mine and I spent a lot of time together. Basically every day after school we were at her house or at mine, and most weekend we spent time together or talked in some way or another. We were pretty close :)
Basically, when we had school breaks or long weekends, we used to have these days we called 'slob days' where we would spend time just at one of our houses watching movies, eating junk food, and generally spending time resting and being together.
It occurs to me now that, back then, I had no idea that I was getting sicker each day. I used to wonder why, on these days, when my friend and our other close friend decided they wanted to play frisbee or soccer, I would feel wrong for not wanting to do the same, for feeling absolutely beyond being able to do more than get up to get myself a drink. I would feel like I was letting down my friends by not wanting to be active.
It's only now that I realise that, not only was my health affecting my desire to be active, it also came down to my personal choice - what I actually wanted to do was read, or rest - more low key things. It doesn't mean I don't like exercise and fresh air, it just meant I didn't feel the need to run around a lot :P

Today, I am having a slob day. My body has been so good to me this week - and I've been trying to return the favour. I have been eating as well as I can, and aiming to put only good things into my body. I have been trying to sleep at reasonable times (proving a little difficult, but I'm getting there!), and moving my body through some yoga poses and walking when possible. Today, however, I woke up and realised my body desperately needed a day of rest.

To start with, I wanted to fight it. 'I have things I want to do!' and 'But I've been going so well this week!' were predominant thoughts in my head. I also began to worry about how long this malaise would last - I have plans tomorrow which I'd really rather not miss.

That's when I stopped. My body was asking for rest - how hard would it be to provide that? And be super comfortable while doing so?

I guess what I'm saying here is that, it may be easier sometimes to listen to our body rather than railing against what has already happened.

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Cuddles

4 comments phone, Photos

deskchair musings: and a friday chicken. belated edition.

Today's musings come courtesy of Xin's house, where I am currently resting. I have had a nearly a full week without his lovely company, and am doing my best to be a comforting girlfriend now that he has returned. Let's see how I went...

the bad stuff.
the cycle of doom.
it returned. at a point where I was feeling quite low and vulnerable already. not fun. especially since I had thought I'd moved past it.

alone in the loneliness.
bah. humbuggle.

pain.
there was a bit of it this week.

blocks and unhelpful thoughts.
they were there. My monster chorus was in full swing at some points. they keep trying to beat me down.

hesitation and second-guessing.
I do not like these things.

the good stuff.
watching ALL the things!
oh my, there was so much watching of stuff this week. My first (official) collection of cardcaptor sakura was knocked off first, then an awesome new anime was introduced to me by my cousin, and I polished off the first collection of that too [it's called Blue Exorcist by the way]. Then, live action Hanazakori no Kimitachi e (Hana Kimi - also courtesy of my cousin) led me back to my true love of asian drama! (DORAMAAA~) and introduced me to a new Japanese actor whom I ADORE now. love love love.
Finally, tried Game of Thrones, and I'm afraid I'm not sure it's my cup of tea at this point in time. *sips tea* but maybe in the future.
FINALLY finally, started watching the following: Sherlock (zomg it's everything they said it would be), live action Hana Yori Dango (he does terrible things to you and then he loves you... ahhhh what now.), and Galileo (jdrama of pretty awesome~). Also still dabbling in New Girl. so, yes, ALL the watching of things.

JAPANESE
I AM BACK. I am resuming study. And I am LOVING it.

some writings were done.
and they were enjoyed :D

playtime!!
seeing old friends and chatting and cuddles and yay! these are what all good friendships are made of.

mail!
as regular readers know, I LOVE MAIL. and now I have a new scarf, cotton dress, nailpolish of less-carcinogen awesome, and my parents got presents too! joy. plus - I sponsored a cow called Micaley and I received a photo of her and she's SO BEAUTIFUL YOU GUYS. I may have to show you.

cuddles.
Bronte was Miss-I-Want-To-Sleep-On-You this week. I'll post some photos from that after this... Needless to say, it was so cute and SO appreciated. :)

XIN IS BACK
and it is all wonderful and shiny again. but I proved that I am independent and CAN DO STUFF. yay me :D



I have one mere musing for you to finish on. I have often thought that I am part of a (relatively) small part of the population classified as Highly Sensitive (look for Elaine Aron's work if you aren't familiar). And I have noticed recently that my emotions can be stirred SO easily. But I'm also getting better at noticing that I can ride them out without ALL THE BAD THINGS happening.
Particularly, my emotions are stirred by music. SO VERY STIRRED. If I hear an upset song, I get upset. It seems logical but it kind of isn't. Because most people can be affected by music - they can notice it's a sad song and be sad, but once song is over, they're fine! For me, it feels different. Like the song takes up residence in my heart and my mind, and I start seeing the world through song-coloured goggles.

Anyway, I'm going to do some more Japanese study before bed.
Love to all who read <3 p="p">

2 comments friday chicken, musings, thoughts

kitchen table musings: on friendship

I think if you go back through my posts you'll most likely find many posts on friendship - what it is to me, what it seems to be to others, why I sometimes have problems with it.
I have realised recently that I may actually be quite socially inept. Sure, I can observe behaviour and understand it til the cows come home, but that doesn't mean I'm much better at replicating it.
I spent a large amount of my teenage years working on my blushing habits - I used to turn a bright red at the mention of anything near-sexual or suggestive. Now, my blush is virtually non-existant. I can't really say it's because of my work on not being surprised by much at all, because it may also be because of my getting sick and having 'pale' as my default setting.
I also spent high school around many individuals that were extremely selfish, or only did things for want of a better social opinion. I have always found this rather tiresome, and yet I was almost a classic example of teacher's pet right up until I started getting sick.

Thinking about friendship just this morning, I acknowledge that it is a good thing to have. I know this deep within me. I have read enough stories and heard enough tales that I know most people reach their deathbed and think back on the friendships and relationships they've had - perhaps not the books they've read (this is a wild generalisation, but bear with me here).
So, I know that friends are invaluable. And I am particularly lucky that I am friends with not only my family, but with my partner, too. You know those couples that say "I'm dating/I married my best friend"? I feel that way quite constantly. Even though it took me some time to actually let Xin in to my heart properly, I never regret doing so.
I have a very small group of other friends that I don't contact/see very often, but never fail to lift my spirits. I have one friend in particular at the moment who may be the sweetest thing since strawberries and every now and then I get a message from her just reminding me that she thinks I'm wonderful. It's these little happenings that make me shout "this! this is what I want in friendship!"
But I am at a point in my life where I am vastly aware of the gaping holes in my life that could be filled by good friends. It does not concern me overly much, as that means there are always opportunities to make new friends, and to find new and more amazing people. What I find consistently tiresome is continuously feeling neglected by some of my current friends. And I have spent countless hours trying to figure out whether it was my doing or just them, or perhaps a combination of both, that I have just reached a point where I no longer care. I have laboured over this problem for so long that I feel that if I am not getting what I need out of this friendship - if I feel it is no longer lighting me up and making me feel loved - then I simply neglect to turn on the part of my emotions that allows me to worry over it.
This has meant a lot of lonely times of late, but I am hardly the first person to have to deal with that. And I think it's also giving me new ways to occupy myself, and to invest in myself rather than spending so much energy on someone else. Right now, I care about my dreams.
And, call me selfish, but I don't have the energy to deal with someone else's stuff. If I can paraphrase Havi Brooks of Fluent Self - people need to own their stuff. They can't just give it to me and expect me to deal with it. Because, hey, I've got my own stuff to deal with!

And right now, my stuff involves taking pills, eating strawberries, and doing some more writing.
Love to all who read.

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...follow-up. :)

I centred myself after the previous blog post and feel much better now. And I am so glad of this, because there were so many gifts from tonight that could have been overlooked if I had simply settled on feeling sorry for myself.
Creating my own community - or at least finding one where I feel at home - can now become a goal.
I got to speak to so many old friends about writing and having characters living inside your head - something I haven't thought of for some time and I feel will open up more doors in my mind.
Lots of hugs, cuddles, and squishes! Which I adore.
Time spent relating to others, and giving them a place to talk to me about what's been going on for them.
It's also made me realise, once more, that I love reading other people's writing and offering critique if they allow me - it is an amazing amount of trust. I would love for more people to ask me for this.


So, there are gifts in every encounter.

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Community

This evening I went to a place I used to regularly be. That’s a bit of a lie, actually. It was a new place, but the same people that I used to be around fairly often.

And yet I am rarely around them even once a month now. Sometimes even less than that.

My partner still goes to this place – still goes to see these people.

But I do not.

Going there tonight was pleasant to begin with – a lot of people were surprised to see me and I received excited hugs and cuddles. But after a second discussion had finished, I realised I was not feeling the excitement and happiness anymore. And it was not because I don’t like being around these people anymore. It was difficult to think about, but I had this overwhelming sinking feeling and needed to address it.

I thought – perhaps it’s because I’ve been feeling sick for so long and I have just expended my last remaining energy? No. I am exhausted and sore and tired, but I was not grumpy and upset about this.

Perhaps it was because people weren’t paying attention to me anymore? Maybe. But I wasn’t entirely convinced.

By becoming sick, I have been forced to isolate myself a lot more than I first thought possible. I still do not feel I am ready to return to Facebook, and yet my absence from this place of social networking only adds to my isolation.

Most days I can deal with this. Most of the time. I take pleasure in smaller things – a good book, a good tv series, being able to write, spending time outside. Cultivating respect and love for myself.

But I no longer feel as if I have a community – if I ever did in the first place. My sense of community and support feels challenged. And I find it very frustrating because I have taken steps to talk to people that I want to be friends with before, only to be met with them being too busy to talk to me, me being to shy or too sick to keep going… Lack of contact and then the withering of that connection.

I do understand that seeking online or more electronic means of friendship may be advantageous to me, but I have yet to find someone interested in this more distant friendship… Let alone them being available enough to talk, or interested in the same things I am.

I feel as if there is a culture of misunderstanding and difference with many of the friendships I keep. I wish to feel more like myself around those that I love, but at this point I only feel strong enough to do that around a maximum of about six people – and that’s including my parents. Even with them I must keep things to myself.

I have often come back to this problem of friendship. Perhaps it needs more action and less thought. Or perhaps it is action that I currently cannot provide.

I feel that I am coming from a place of deep sadness and loneliness now, so I believe I'll go find something to cheer myself up.

Love to all who read.

2 comments friends, thoughts

thoughts on having illness

last night I had an awful migraine - a result of three days worth of headache from paint fumes, a tight neck, and a few other things. thankfully I was able to remove myself from the paint fumes, which has meant less head pain today.
unfortunately, the after effects of migraines can sometimes be quite difficult to deal with.
I woke up feeling okay and less painful than I had in days. After about an hour, though, I started to feel tired again, and ended up going back to sleep. Xin woke me about an hour later, so I eventually got up to have some breakfast.
I spent most of the morning on the couch writing and watching tv. And then I went to sleep again. For about two hours this time. After that, I spent about half an hour trying to get my body to move. I'd experienced sleep paralysis during my nap, too (which seems to be occurring a lot more lately when I nap).
I did manage to head out with Xin for some shopping and such, but I felt really sick during the whole experience. (Although I was happy enough at certain points. And I was proud of myself for managing to go out and get a few things done!)

Sometimes I wonder if I could get more done if I didn't have days (and sometimes weeks) like this. Where it's so difficult to do even small things.

There are a lot of insecurities that come up with this. But I'm sorting through it.

I'm managing to do a bit of writing and reading, and that makes me happy. I can keep going. Keep trying. And keeping looking for that peace inside me.

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Friday Chicken: I want more icecream.

My thoughts are moving a bit slowly, so apologies if things don't make a lot of sense!

Thanks, as always, go to Havi Brooks of Fluent Self for this wonderful ritual.

bad stuff.
mini-panics.
Not having a lot to do and feeling sick a lot tend to lead to feeling a bit useless, then feeling panicky. Not fun.

pain.
never fun.

disappointment.
a bit in myself, a bit in others, a bit in general.

finding walls.
that I thought were gone. and yet they're here.
and not knowing what to do with the walls.

missing a couple of people.
that I don't contact with any regularity anymore. and trying to be okay with the missing.

nightmares.
mostly last night. leading to feeling horrible.

being unsure.
silent retreat.


good stuff.
nature.
and enjoying it more.

bronte.
she's amazing and fun and kind of adorable.
also a bit irritating at times, but still adorable. XD

books, magazines and emails. oh my.
so much reading. glorious reading.

tea.
yes yes yum yum. :D

Xin.
oh. love. and so many thankyous from me.

connection.
not so much with other people, but with myself and my dreams.


I feel a bit odd about writing anymore on this. So I'm going to go back to sitting in bed thinking... and eating ice cream.
Love to all who read.

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armchair musings: writing in the sunshine

I am sitting in a soft and squishy chair, outside in the morning sunshine. My earbuds are in my ears, playing to me the sweet sounds of Lisa Mitchell. Bronte is wandering around the garden, listening to the next-door neighbours, sniffing the ground and occasionally coming to sit in front of me like some regal guard dog.
My breath is coming to me easier today.
Last night, I had a mini freakout just before midnight. I read that a writer I follow lost a friend to cancer yesterday, and while I felt sadness for that, I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did.
I am currently in a place of newness. I am not working. I am not studying. I am spending each day doing whatever I can, or listening to my body intently. This is sometimes amazingly exciting, but at other times I am worried about the future.

I have been missing people who used to be in my life - and I am so tired of missing them.
I have been worrying about whether my writing is good enough to move forward, and this makes me so so sad.
I have been realising that I am still resisting change. And this makes me confused and lost.

I have been thinking that to get more readers on my blog, I needed to write like someone else. To find exciting stories to put on here to encourage people to keep visiting. To be someone else. But, despite the fact that I worry my writing isn't good enough, I am still in love with writing. I am in love with my writing and how I express myself. I adore the action of sitting down with my computer, and producing a symphony of words (I love the word symphony right now!) that others might read.
And, the thing is, I am my own person. No one can offer the world what I can offer. It may be a quieter, gentler gift that I have, but I know that there are people out there that connect with me when I write.

I am tired of trying to be something I'm not. I am tired of doubting my writing ability. I am tired of feeling like I'm in some permanent state of writer's block.

I am taking that next step. I'm focusing on my physical and mental health during this break - and I'm going to add a few things to that 'care list'. My spiritual health. And the health of my writing. I am going to start challenging this idea that my writing isn't 'good enough'. I am going to stop thinking about the 'what if' when it comes to following my dreams. I will follow my dreams, and I will find a way to make things work.

This newness may not come to me instantly. It might take many weeks, months, maybe even years of self-work. But my passion for writing and reading is so precious to me that it's not worth waiting around until someone else convinces me that I'm good enough to be what I want to be.

And I will never fully identify as a writer. That will only be one facet of who I am.
Hi, I'm Bethwyn. I think I'm doing a damn fine job of being Bethwyn.

Love to all who read. <3 p="p">

3 comments musings, strengths, writing

armchair musings

I don't know if this will become a regular post, but I am sitting in an armchair typing out some thoughts that have been in my head lately. Perhaps I will make it more regular.

my post yesterday on why I write and then going to a concert last night with Xin have got me thinking a bit more about writing.
to be honest, I don't write stories down as much as I used to. I spend more time blogging, thinking, reading, journalling. Actual writing doesn't often occur. But when it does, I usually feel very inspired and attached to finishing the story. And yet, I don't think I have ever finished a story to my satisfaction. Maybe short stories and poems. But not a novel.
I have been wondering why this is. Part of me believes it's not having enough self-discipline. Another defends me by saying that my health doesn't often allow for extended writing times. Another voice says it's because I don't have enough confidence in my writing - that I fear failing too much. I fear that I will finally put my writing out there only to find it's not good enough.

I know the recommendations - just keep writing, writing can be amazing if you just keep going, you need to be more dedicated to your writing, you need to find the story that truly speaks to you so you're DRIVEN to finish it - etc. etc.

Either way, I'm going to keep writing. Because I can't deny the pull towards it.

1 comment thoughts, writing