Friday Chicken: on time!

We are chickening! :D Thank you Thank you Thank you to Havi of Fluent Self for creating a beautiful thing for checking-in ^_~

the hard stuff.
looming.
I had a few things looming over my head this week. Making me feel all icky and like I couldn't relax. No fun.

fainting.
had a little fainting spell last Saturday - made for severe discomfort and blah. luckily had three supportive peoples around me :)

brokened!
I bought a teacup and then found out it had a huge crack that leaked! D:

worry.
two people I really care about were in (separate) car crashes. Both are fine, but shaken. Desperately wanting to send waves of love and support to both of them.

scary.
having to confront a few awkward and potentially live-altering things this week.

the good stuff.
changes! of goodness!
things appear to be moving forward and that equals yay!

newness.
I has a MacBook Air :D it is lovely and lovable and makes me feel like I'm moving forward. (silent retreat on more details here)

BOOKS
oh my goodness I have SO MUCH to read. at times this is daunting but mostly I'm just dancing and then reading. and then dancing while reading. because BOOKS.

time with people.
WOW last weekend was so lovely. time with Cake (super secret nickname for two lovely brothers which is not so secret) shopping and trying not to faint (hee), and then beautiful breakfast double date on Sunday! in lovely cafe! WITH TOAST AND JAM. nom.

delicious noms.
have been eating quite well this week. and having green smoothies! which equals balance and calm. and yum. so yay!

comfort.
have just been feeling much more calm and content with everything this week. putting good wishes out there, thinking up affirmations, feeling comfortable in my own skin and with my own personality and spirit. being my own best friend. it's lovely.

almost-spring cleaning!
cleaned out ALL my clothes yesterday and got rid of SO MUCH. feels amazing. most will be donated, but we may have a garage sale soon so woot! :D also, now has MacBook, thinking of selling old laptop and slightly-less-old netbook. :3

just yay.
this week feels like it's been a good one. a lot less bad, and then a lot more good! yay.





Tiny VPA
just going to put this wish out there. I have been feeling like my room needs a little something for more peacefulness (and all the cleaning out is helping with that), but there is something that I would really like and have yet to buy for myself. I just want to put the wish out there to the universe so that I might be provided with a Willow Tree figure. I feel a little materialistic and odd about asking for this, but they are such beautiful expressions of emotion.
I will show you how beautiful:

http://www.demdaco.com/Love-of-Learning/26165,default,pd.html?start=42&cgid=901002001&brandId=WT

http://www.demdaco.com/Together/26032,default,pd.html?start=69&cgid=901002001&brandId=WT

there are so many others, but I love these two a lot. they just make me feel so...light and lovely.


anyway. putting the wish out there. I will hopefully budget to buy one for myself sometime.

love to all who read!

Leave a Comment friday chicken, thoughts, very personal ads, vpa

Why I Write

Things have been changing in my life. I don't quite have the perspective just yet on whether I'm moving forward or not, but I suspect I am.
I don't really tend to move backwards.

I am making every effort to follow my dreams - dreams that I have had for years. Dreams that occupied my time while I was doing something else. Dreams that have been slowly pushing themselves to the surface - not despite my problems, but because of them.

And it's because of these dreams that I confront this question today: Why do I write?
More importantly: Why is writing such a huge part of who I am?

I have always been a big reader. I adore reading and books. I have dreamt for many years of having an intimate book club - and have attempted to have one many times. Each has had it's own successes and wonders, but have all inevitably ended when they could not be maintained. (This sometimes makes me jealous of my mum's book club :P)

Books just make me light up. I adore book shops, especially secondhand ones. I love libraries, library book sales, even uni book shops.

I'm not sure if I started writing stories when I started reading 'big kid books', but I have recently found little notebooks filled with writing from when I was around six, and spelled my t's with upside-down, back-to-front f's. (Maybe you need to see my writing to understand that. I'll try to show you sometime.)

I am always thinking about writing. I always have little ideas in my head of what would make a good story, where I could take a story, bizarre ideas for characters and adventures and romance. I have flashes of new stories at the most inappropriate times - in the shower, or when I'm just dropping off to sleep and have to decide whether it's worth turning on the light and finding something to write the idea on (it's almost always worth it).

I am fascinated by authors and their work. I even read books on reading, and books on writing. I immerse myself in the written word so often that my eyes suffer for it. I am having to take up listening to audiobooks (which are also amazing, but I still find myself preferring the act of reading for some unknown reason).

But why do I write? Why do I almost always have a blog + a journal + many stories being written?

Obviously, it is something I love. It is something that is integral to my being. I cannot imagine living without writing, without books! I guess, for me, it's gotten to the point where I need these things to live: air, food, water, safety, rest... and books.

I also write because I want to share the thoughts that go through my mind, the stories that I believe need to be told, the lessons I have learned. I want to connect with people on a deeper level. Sidenote: I suck at small talk. I dislike doing it. I prefer to get down to the 'nitty-gritty' and discuss what makes a person tick. I have no interest in prying, but I do have a boundless curiosity about people. And, incidentally, about myself.

My writing is an expression of myself, and a means to find connection in the world. I feel amazing when I write, and I only hope that sometimes my writing makes others feel amazing too.

1 comment musings, thoughts, writing

ZOMG GUYS I RECORDED A VIDEO

Apologies if it doesn't work it's too quiet. But I'm excited anyway XD

2 comments video

Beautiful Reading.

I love this article on living with enough. I think it's something we can all think about ^_^

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/07/what-my-sons-disabilities-taught-me-about-having-it-all/260479/

2 comments links

difficult decisions.

thing is, if I really allow myself to think about things lately, I'm terrified.

I'm happy to keep moving along in my life, meditating and finding peace and joy where I can, but if I look at the bones of my life it's difficult to keep moving.

you know that old saying - at least you have your health? - I don't have that. sometimes my body is on my side, but more often than not I feel like it's rebelling against me. I find it so hard to exist within a body that I adore, and have to feel like it's my enemy.

I don't want to feel that way.

I don't think I've ever wished for a normal life. I've always wished for challenges to keep me focused, passion, joy, and opportunities to show my strength and love.
In many ways, my health has been my challenge...my damnation...and my blessing.

It has taught me so many things that I doubt I would have been able to confront in other situations.

Lately I have spent so much time trying to focus on what I love, what I am overjoyed to have in my life.

I have cried so many tears - waterfalls of sadness, joy, frustration, anger, and both sides of hope - having it, or not.

I have spent so much time fighting change, and then trying to be okay with change. Continually worrying that I am making the wrong choices, stressing over the potential problems that could stand in my way. Terrified of ruining my life and the lives of those around me.

I talk a lot of not wanting to be a burden to others around me, but realistically that may be a fate that I have to come to terms with. I only hope that those I love don't always see me as a burden - that I am able to always show them love and appreciation for their presence in my life.

Over the last week alone I have been stressed to the point of panic, in so much pain that I wanted to curl up into a ball, cried silent tears of sadness and awful wracking sobs of anger and frustration, been shocked and confused about the decisions I have had to make, and nervous about having to change and transform again.

Yes, I am terrified.

Yes, I am overwhelmingly emotional about all that is happening.

And yes, I choose to move forward anyway.

I may make mistakes. I may fall to the ground again. I may get even sicker than I am now. And I may be 'cured' (a word I have a problem with).
But I will meet all of it when I am there. I will meet myself where I am. I will try to stop putting so much effort into worrying about what could happen, and turn my gaze towards cultivating the small happinesses and comforts that I can find now.

I will turn, evermore, towards love.

4 comments emotions, musings, thoughts

Having faith.

Okay, yes. Sometimes it's ridiculously hard to have faith. You can feel like every good thing in your life is suddenly going sour - or perhaps the bad is starting to outweigh the good.

I have felt that way. More so in the last couple of days. But I am still putting effort and love into seeing the good things.

For example, on Tuesday, when it was too stormy for me to fulfill my work obligations, and I spent forty minutes searching for parking just so I could peruse the Save The Children Book Sale at UWA. I ended up going home, having a panic attack in the car on the way back, and realising when I got home that I'd been trying to operate through the beginnings of a migraine which ended up being a really terrible one which only just went away after taking my heaviest painkiller - which almost always causes some bad side-effects. There was lots of stress, pain, and emotional craziness.

And yet... there was also the sweetness of the people around me. Xin, who supported me through the panic attack and the stress of looking for things and realising I wasn't able to meet my work requirements. He gave me cuddles, made me tea. He was his wonderful self and even went and got me Grill'd for lunch. He is amazing.
My mum, who encouraged me to look after myself, gave me a neck massage to help with my head pain, and getting me drinks. :3
My dad has been amazingly encouraging about my taking a new route, and both my parents have been great about my condition getting worse and offering me what support they can.

There are small things that can create beauty in each day. Like getting things in the mail (I really adore this), reading magazines that I love filled with informative articles that inspire me, reading in general!, tea (when I can drink it), and hearing from friends (sometimes even seeing them). Little messages from friends that encourage me to keep going regardless of how hard it's been lately. And...dreaming. Dreaming of the future that I want, the future that I adore.

Yes, I am still filled with anxiety and stress. But I have faith that things will get better. Things will fall into place. I have faith.

2 comments love, musings, thoughts

Friday Chicken: Just Keep Swimmin'

hello my lovelies. remember remember remember that this template/postage comes from the delightful Havi Brooks.

let's get started.

because we've gotta keep on swimmin'

anywhosies.

the bad stuff.

old pain. old issues.
they were just popping up all over the place. hanging around.

not knowing who to talk to.
and many people not having the time to talk. not knowing what to say - how to articulate what was happening.

realisations.
not good ones. extended pain. bad fortune cookie.

crying.
mostly alone. but also in front of people. including someone I had just met about ten minutes beforehand. so much hard.

almost perfect strangers pointing out stuff.
that I didn't realise I was holding on to. that I didn't realise I hadn't worked through yet.

repression.
repress repress repress. and not realising I was doing it.

being so sick I couldn't move much.
always hard.

misunderstandings.
and trying to remain true to me during that.

cold.
always feeling cold even when I'm apparently supposed to be sweating.

the good stuff.

connection.
having that and drawing strength from it.

simple things.
like having a car that I love. Tea. Aoife (my blue dinosaur heatpack). New musics. kind messages from people.

support.
happiness in people close to me expressing awe in how I'm going, and pride in the things I do to cope. and how I always keep going.
this has also been coming from complete strangers lately. beautiful.

reading.
so much! love!

yoga. meditation.
perfect in my imperfections.

always moving forward.
yay. oh wow. I have these flashes of feelings of "wow I could actually make things work and become this amazing thing that I want." giving myself permission to want these things, and be okay when I feel discouraged and unsure.

bubble tea!
and trying new flavours! oh my goodness I love bubble tea. in fact, want some. :3

trying new things.
because I can and that's amazing.

romantic moments.
Xin: you are amazing. and I feel so amazingly lucky to have you. love.


on that note, love to all those who read. :)

Leave a Comment friday chicken, musings, thoughts

Quiet

Dearest readers,
I know it's been quite quiet around here lately, and that's for a few reasons:
1. I've been noticing more of a decline in my health, which has meant a need to stay away from computers as they hurt my head.
2. I am doing much research for my future (when I am able).
3. All remaining energy (if any) has been going towards work and generally keeping myself alive and happy XD

I will be back with more posts as soon as I am capable.

For now, here's a picture of my lanterns as I see them now.

Much love.

Leave a Comment phone, Photos, rambling

Beautiful.

This beautiful post by Leonie has got me crying.


http://leoniedawson.com/how-to-become-your-own-best-friend/

Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment friends, love

Trying to let go before you're ready tends to mean pushing things away.

I haven't posted in a few days because this week has been quite a struggle. It doesn't seem to matter how much rest I get, I just seem to have hit rock bottom. My energy levels are basically non-existent - even trying to deal with Bronte's playful nature leaves me exhausted (and I'm not talking about playing with her, I'm just talking about trying to walk from one room to the next while she dances around me).
The last day and a half have seen a re-introduction of low mood, near panic attacks, and incessant worry and stress, despite the fact that I've been staying home from work.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in awhile. I felt extremely sick and exhausted, and whenever I thought of anything outside my immediate surroundings, I would feel as if I was standing, balancing, on the very tip of a knife's edge. Falling either way meant having a panic attack or a similar breakdown of some sort.
Today I am not as bad. I am calmer, but still worried. The plan is to sleep at least half the day, and just really focus on the REST aspect of staying home.
To be honest, at this point, I am not interested in views of 'but if you sleep during the day, you won't sleep at night!' or 'you need to get some fresh air - otherwise you'll just get sicker.' No. These things will not help right now. I am not sleeping well as it is, and that's making me sicker. I have a serious sleep debt to catch up on. I get some fresh air every day, and so far I haven't seen a general improvement. I'm not interested in becoming a lazy blob that can't/won't do anything, but my body is screaming at me lately for rest.


And on that note, love to all who read. May your days be blessed with joy and love. <3

1 comment rambling, thoughts