Facebook withdrawals #3

Wednesday, June 27, 2012
It's been about two months since I deleted Facebook. And tonight is the firs time I have genuinely missed the connection that I had on there.
I miss specific people that I basically said goodbye to when I left - there was either no other way to contact them, or there was a way that was not desirable to the other party.
Honestly, though, there's only so many emails I can keep up with anyway, so I understand their choice.

I have been taking some time to reassess the way I look at friendships and what I expect. I was calm for some time... But then waves of emotion are never far away. I need to get better at weather-watching.

Love to all who read <3

Peace

Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I've been experiencing a different kind of peace lately. In the face of my illness (allow me to simply call it that for now) I have found that an amalgamation of different peace-making activities is what works best for me.
And I'm loving the process and the learning involved.
And the peace is spreading. Tonight I used meditation in my efforts to overcome pain. There is such an amazing sense of pride in that.

And now, back to my tea. Love to those who read. <3

Friday Chicken: On A Sunday.

Sunday, June 24, 2012
This week has been interesting. And difficult. And lovely. And it may seem odd to be summing up on a Sunday (Sunday's have always been sort of rest-days for me - preparing for the new week), it seems right at this moment.


the hard stuff.


drain and sick.
it was really hard getting through work while my body seems to be regressing back to two-and-a-half-years-ago-me. it's been so long since I've had serious stomach pain that I kind of forgot what it was like. now I remember. it sucks.


tiredtiredtiredandmoretired.
oh wow. so many nights of waking up two or three times during the night and then waking up in the morning and feeling like I hadn't slept at all.


emotional drain.
feeling lost and abandoned and so many kinds of ick. dealing with issues that I thought I'd left behind long ago. having to find my boundaries again and figure out if they'd been crossed or if I was over-reacting. so much hard.


decisions.
too hard. go away.


envy.
dislike. the green-eyed monster is hardly ever a friend to me.




the good stuff.


finding solace.
in a place that I had found solace before. a book that I have re-read so many times I'm a little unsure what number I'm on. And it's new and beautiful, but still so reassuring like an old friend who JUST GETS YOU. I feel so happy being surrounded by this book's happiness and embrace.


time.
re-grasping my opinions on and use of time. realising that going to bed early can be uh-mazing and that taking time out to just rest is still as important as ever.


love.
trusting in the wonderful link between me and Xin, allowing myself to be weak in front of him instead of just keeping it in and being grumpy-Beth (even I don't like her). sharing  my fears.


spirituality.
[silent retreat] - this is so very close to my heart that it's difficult for me to articulate.


support.
from the most wonderful places. making me feel loved and powerful.


exercise!
I actually didn't realise that I'd missed it! And yet, today I did lots and my body went 'yes! more please!' I'm being very careful not to overdo it though - the ramifications could be catastrophic! but right now I'm enjoying the after-workout glow ^^


adventure~
I met Christopher Paolini and got him to sign Xin's book!! And I met Juliet Marillier (one of my FAVOURITE fantasy writers) and bought her new book and she signed it!!! I feel proud. <3




that's all for now. this  week will be full of cotton wool balls for me to fall on - as much as I'm able. I have organised to have a a few presents from past-me arrive this week (all being well) and I will remind myself as often as possible that rest is good. and that there are ways to take the pressure off even when I'm working ^_^ <3 love to all who read!!

Photos from my Sunday

Sunday, June 17, 2012
Today was cleaning, organising, resting, and spending time with Xin. <3

gratitude

Friday, June 15, 2012
hello my dears,


it seems I took a little impromptu break from blogging - things have been so hectic and then so painful that I just haven't had the presence of mind to even consider writing something here.
work has been full-on, I finally finished my last essay for first semester, and then all the adrenaline left my body and I was left feeling exhausted and in pain. my chiropractor had to make a huge adjustment of my spine, and then I caught a weird virus which meant I missed a conference I'd been looking forward to.
The last three days have been mostly about me lying still so I don't get too dizzy or nauseous, and groaning about my head, and bemoaning the fact that I can't read. (I honestly don't know how my family and partner have put up with me XD)


I have little precious ideas and plans on the horizon, but first I need to focus on really getting past this virus so I can move forward. Today I've managed to reorganise a couple of things that have been bothering me, which is wonderful, but I believe I should go back to resting on the couch soon :) One of the precious projects is to do with gratitude, but I'll keep it to myself until I can organise things a little better.


sending love to all who read <3

love note

Monday, June 4, 2012
this little letter goes out to so many of my friends, to so many people I know, to others who I haven't met yet.


you are enough. right now, you are enough. you don't need that new car or that new place to live or even that hair cut if it isn't what makes you light up!
if you are going through a tough time, a time where every little gremlin of your past and present (and possible future!) is jumping up at you and making you feel overwhelmed and not-enough - I send you so much love and support.
I take your hand and beam love towards you, like a golden light.


even if sharing what is bothering you is just too damned difficult right now, that's okay. I am here. I will always try to understand.


now I want you to just take a moment and think about the planet - the billions of people living on it, living every life you can imagine. the animals and the insects, the droplets of water in all the oceans, the grains of sand on all the beaches. now imagine all of that is inside your heart. you hold the world in your heart. it isn't heavy, because it isn't expecting anything from you. you give love back when you can, and that is enough.


now imagine you have the whole universe inside your heart. all the constellations of stars, the asteroids, the suns and the moons and the planets! see them all doing their little orbit-dance inside your heart, and feel them grooving away to their cosmic beat.


you are enough. there is so much wonder in this existence, and guess what? you're one of them.




all my love,


Bethwyn


cosmic dance. source

working back to your centre

today I woke up with a pain all down my right leg, the remnants of my virus (which I am still battling!) and a slightly stressed outlook. As it is a public holiday, I believe everyone who is home from work has decided that getting out assorted power tools sounds like a good way to spend the day, and is using them as loudly as possible.
I have two essays to complete - one hopefully by 5ish today. I am overtired from a really awful night's sleep (nausea + trying to sleep apparently = bleurghhh). And yet, I am surprisingly upbeat.


So I'm going to use this post to remind you that you CAN return to your centre. Some days it's harder than others - some days you don't really get there because there's just too much going on to remember you HAVE a centre to return to. Some days you wake up and you're just there... and it's beautiful.
Here are some things that I have found useful for returning to my centre:


  1. spend some time alone. the thing is, a lot of people don't like doing this. it can be difficult to spend time alone when you have problems with yourself, or if you spend a LOT of time alone and just want something different. connection with yourself is so important. so when I say spend time alone, I don't mean sitting there and turning on music so loudly that you can't hear your own thoughts, or turning on the tv and watching whatever random sitcom has been put on today (I often end up watching re-runs of Friends or How I Met Your Mother, or The Big Bang Theory). I mean consciously tuning in to what you're thinking and having a discussion with yourself. Sometimes it's difficult - it's okay if you can only do it for two minutes - hey! That's two more minutes than yesterday! It's a process. But if you can listen to what you're thinking, you may be able to find a way back to feeling calm and centred. Journalling is also helpful!
  2. get moving! Ah yes, exercise. My enemy from the age of about 10 to 17. Then it became something which was there, but could not be attained. Right now, I'm patching up my relationship with exercise. We're on a gentle agreement that I will do yoga every day that I'm able, with the addition of something else if I can. Sometimes my exercise is simply walking from my house to a local shop to pick up food/other necessities and then walking back. Sometimes it's walking from my work to the financial advisors next door to drop off some documents - whatever it is, it counts as something to me. Consciously exercising and taking a moment to move your body in whatever way feels right can be so beautiful, and so grounding. Find something that works for you!
  3. find some nature. breathe in the fresh air, feel the breeze, absorb some sunshine! If it's raining and you don't want to get wet, just stand under a verandah for awhile and breathe in the scent of the rain. On days when I'm feeling really sick, I will always try to sit outside for a few minutes and either read (if I can) or just watch things in the garden. Even if I don't feel better physically, it can give me an amazing emotional boost.

that's all right now. I need to get back to that essay! The three tips above are supremely useful, but I must admit sometimes I forget to even try to go back to my centre. There's too much to do, too much at stake! I don't have time to journal right now! But, really, there's always a little time that I can make for myself. Because investing in myself is one of the best things I could do --> it gives me more energy to invest in others. :)

love to all who read!

oh! and - journalling prompts. try making a list of things that help you feel more grounded in your you-ness. What brings you back to yourself? <3

connection

Sunday, June 3, 2012
today I am pondering connection. (a topic that, realistically, isn't ever far from my mind.)
connection is a topic that is very close to my heart since I realised how much I crave and need it in my life. when I talk of connection here, it is usually connection with friends and relatives, but I also use the word connection to umbrella a number of things - connection with myself and my inner power, connection with nature, connection with literature... I could go on.


right now, I am pondering connection with others. I have often considered myself someone who survives relatively well in social situations. realistically, sometimes I shut down when there's too many people to talk to - too many people to process. often at parties you would find me sitting outside looking at the stars while everyone else was inside dancing or yelling at each other over the inordinately loud music. when I couldn't go outside, you'd find me as close to a corner as possible, trying to have a decent conversation with someone.
Sure, sometimes I go out to dance and I'm not at all interested in talking to people (this is quite rare, but does happen). At those times I usually need to get something out of my system. I need to feel wild and crazy for awhile and just move my body until I'm sufficiently exhausted. These times occur maybe... three times a year?


The thing is, I prefer deep and meaningful discussions with people I care deeply about, rather than meaningless utterings that last maybe a couple of minutes before you move on to someone else (goodness, thank the fates I have Xin, I'd be awful at speed-dating XD).


My thoughts on this stem from going out last night for the first time in awhile. I have been craving connection with people outside my immediate loves - I have been wanted to see others, to experience other's energies. And I did. And I loved it. But the problem now is - it has made me crave more. And now that I don't have Facebook, it is much more difficult for me to contact them. Because facebook did offer me the ease and gentleness of suggesting to someone - "oh wow I loved catching up with you last night! let us get together for a hot beverage sometime :D" - whereas now I'm feeling as if I'm cast adrift in a sea of 'not-knowing-what-to-do'. I have withdrawn from social arenas for some time because of being so busy and, lately, being so sick once more. but there are people outside of my family, Xin, and Chris, that I wish to heart-connect with.


Probably my tactic will end up being - I miss them. therefore I will message them/contact them in any way I can. now. and if they don't wish to continue a connection with me, I will back off, lick my wounds, and try someone else. I always have my immediate family and adopted family for support <3


love to all who read.



source: here

inspiring video entertainment

Friday, June 1, 2012
dearest readers - if you're out there >looks around< - today I'd like to share two videos that have brought me great happiness. and that have made me think.
the first is a TEDtalk video that I've watched about three times. It's spoken by Lissa Rankin, an amazing woman with a message that I believe in wholeheartedly. please watch if you have the time...


Next I'll give you a link to a blog post by one of my favourite bloggers (I have a lot..). It's the video from her gorgeous wedding. You'll see her and her husband getting ready, her three kids (two from a previous marriage, one from the current) dancing and being joyful, and you'll see the love between them. It's so beautiful.

I might be back later with another post, but for now, I'm going to have another soother for my poor throat and make some tea :) love!
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