feelings.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I have been thinking and writing and feeling a lot lately. I've been sitting with a couple of feelings that I haven't known whether to consider as helpful or unhelpful. But, that's what I needed to do with them. Just sit and feel. Think it through. Write out what I was feeling. It's made moving forward a lot easier.

I have found that when I feel something too intensely (which is often) I either try to distract myself from it, or I drown it in whatever is currently available - sugar, food, sometimes alcohol. Not very healthy. I have been much better over the past year or so, but I have replaced these 'drowning' behaviours with reading. I love reading, and it's definitely a good distraction to have, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. It just comes back later. Usually stronger than before.

I feel things intensely. I don't know if this is different from other people, but sometimes I feel like I'm sitting with an emotion that threatens to take me over. It's so powerful that I just don't have the capacity to feel anything else. And, as may be obvious, that's hard to handle.

That's why writing has become so important to me. Lately I'm even writing a journal. I take that feeling and I put it on paper  -and then I feel a little bit of it be released, or worked into something more constructive. Or even a tiny sweet solution presents itself. And that gives me back some sense of control.

And these feelings I'm sitting with right now? They are beginning to resolve themselves. And some of them really just go back to my own feelings of being inadequate. Which I'm working on still. It's hard for me to believe that I would be useful to anyone in any form. But now that I'm getting healthier... maybe. Obviously needs more feeling, thinking, and writing! :)

<3

Friday Chicken: Only a day late...

Saturday, November 26, 2011
Good morning readers! If there are any readers out there XD Regardless, good morning!

This ritual is one taken from the lovely Havi (you can see her beautiful blog here!).

Let's go!

The hard stuff...
Wear and tear.
There was a little bit of physical blargh this week - not too much, and nothing I couldn't handle. But still blargh.

Emotional.
It seemed like I was going from being super happy with everything in my life one moment to feeling absolutely alone and empty the next. Not fun.

Difficult decisions and thoughts.
NEVER FUN.

People being forgetful.
I could rage a lot more about this but, the truth is, everyone is human. Forgetting stuff is just what happens sometimes. And that's okay. Apologies have been accepted and consequences must also be so. Still not good to go through when the thing being forgotten is something important to me D:

Technology!
BEING STUPID. And making me feel even more alone than I actually am. Silly technology. D:

Grumpagus.
I've been grumping a bit. Just a bit! But it's made things hard sometimes, and made me feel not at all like my bright, shiny self. (More dull and icky.)

The good stuff!
Friends.
How I adore them! As evidenced by my previous blog post - the beauty of certain friendships continues to astound and hearten me! :D

Inner power.
Cultivation of. Experience of. Loving of. Everything being bright and shiny and yay!

Beautiful books.
Books give me meaning and inspiration. And connection! <3

Having Xin back for myself.
And planning to make time to just sit down and talk and connect and feel lovely together. I love this man so much. <3

Presents!
For others! And some for myself :D The beauty of thinking and planning a present for a friend/family member, and then finding the perfect one! And then getting it! And giving it to the person!! Oh such a wonderful feeling.

Healthiness.
This really should have been top of my list, but oh well. I ADORE my Naturopath so much - she makes me feel calm, collected, and almost blissfully floaty. And plus, things are working! I have energies! And an immune system!! And my digestive system doesn't hate me as much!! My goodness, I could rave about this forever...

Inspiration!
In all different forms. <3

Sharing.
My feelings, my happiness (which is a feeling but shush), my excitement! Sharing things I've found and having people go YAY with me! Being okay with wanting things for myself and sharing these with others too.


That's all, lovelies! Hope you have a gorgeous weekend <3

vanilla twilight

Sunday, November 20, 2011
I am feeling quite calm and relaxed right now ^_^ There are multiple reasons for this - I won't discuss them all in deep detail, however. That is something saved for my inner thoughts.
Spending time with certain friends is so liberating and lovely. Some friends make me feel like I need to hide certain parts of myself, or feel that I will be judged. Other friends don't make me feel this way at all. They not only allow me to be myself, they encourage me to be myself. And they love it when I am. I get the greatest amount of joy from being around these people, making them laugh and smile, and (hopefully) making them feel like they want to be themselves around me too. I am so very thankful to have friends like this in my life <3

Other things going through my mind currently are related to 'new age' activities and beliefs. I've recently been much more inclined to embrace my spiritual side, and to express myself more openly about what I enjoy doing and believing in. I don't want to do this in a forceful way - not at all - it is more about being true to myself. I love oracle decks, horoscopes/star signs, incense, aromatherapy, meditation, yoga, faeries, spirits, - many things! Small parts of me are still coming to terms with expressing my appreciation for these things - I recall feeling afraid all the time a few years ago that I would be 'found out' and ridiculed. My friends of the time weren't extremely accepting of liking things that were 'different' to what they liked. It's the same with music - I'm rediscovering my love for Evanescence - something I was ridiculed for. I have their new album on my iphone, and I listen to it quite often currently. I'm also asking for one of their older ones for a Christmas present from my parents. Amy Lee astounds me with her talent, as always. Some of the songs on the new album are just wonderful and make me feel amazing.

Finally, things crossing my mind require a little more thinking, planning, and some waiting. One thing relates to spending some money on something that I feel will bring me a huge amount of joy and beautiful release and expression - however, this requires a bit of waiting and checking that it is something I ultimately want. I believe it will be, but I need to check.
Another thing relates to figuring out if I am ready to move forward in a certain area of my life. This will require a lot of gentle discussion with my body and mind (and spirit), and some gentle planning and trying to remain somewhat emotionally disconnected so that my 'wants' don't override my 'needs' and become something that I don't want at all anymore. If that makes any sense! I suppose it would only make sense to me XD But it still requires gentleness and discussion. I really do wish and hope that my body is ready to move through this, but I may have to be content with the idea that it isn't quite yet.

In terms of health, I'm actually doing quite well. I've had a couple of migraines in the last couple of weeks - something which has been a bit ick. But I've definitely gotten better in other aspects of my health. I'm not nearly as tired as I used to be, I actually have energy to go out a lot... I've been out seeing people, shopping, running errands... more than ever! Well maybe not EVER, but in a terribly long time. It's exciting, but part of me is still a little worried that it's going to go away. I don't want to do anything too quickly and force myself back into the place where I could barely go out once a week. No thanks!
interestingly, what comes with health is a feeling that people will begin to expect so much more from me than I am willing to give. I noticed this once people started noticing that I was feeling a bit more energetic. But, I've reasoned with myself - rest is still SO important to me. If I need rest, I will take it. And if I feel people are expecting things from me that I'm not  willing to give - so be it. I will let them know in a gentle way, and then I will move on.

Okay.. so I think that's everything I needed to ramble about. Love to all <3

just for a feeling of whimsy~

Thursday, November 17, 2011
have some beautiful pictures of treehouses! <3







The third one is actually a restaurant in Japan apparently!! Crazy!!
The last one fills me with joy for some reason... though all of them do!! <3

hope your night is magical~

feeling connected

oh this feeling I have right now. It's so...delicious. It fills my heart with music and makes me feel light and content!

After a couple of days of feeling a bit bleh and feeling down on myself FOR FEELING bleh (as Xin referred to it - double depression), I'm so happy to be feeling myself again. I feel true to myself  currently. There are decisions being made, clearing of spaces, dreams, writing, meditation, yoga! OH. And reading! I finished a wondrous book today, and am feeling so secure and happy in the knowledge that I ADORE reading - and I ADORE that I adore reading! XD

I am currently in the process of just feeling where I need to go, what I want, and being okay with wanting things. I am making efforts to overcome uncomfortable feelings, and to be more present in other people's lives - but in a loving and respectful manner that doesn't test my own perseverance. I am working on being okay with getting frustrated and NOT GETTING THINGS RIGHT all the time. I never considered myself a perfectionist - but I have spent a lot of my life being crippled by self-doubt. This means that I do not attend new classes and such a lot of the time for fear that I will MAKE A MISTAKE. But isn't the class for learning? Aren't teachers expecting to have to teach? Not just pass on information and have everyone get it right the first time? Otherwise, what is learning FOR?? Mistakes can be beautiful, too, and I know that. Ah, joy!

Getting back in touch with myself has meant that I'm starting to figure a few things out - things are becoming clearer and less fuzzy, confusing, and upsetting. I feel stronger than ever. But I'm also okay with being weak.

Anyway! Enough of my joyful rambling. I'm off to investigate lovely things a little more! <3

jealousy.

Sunday, November 13, 2011
jealousy, you have no place here.
the home that was built for you is slowly being dismantled.
soon, everything you know will have gone.
your home will now be transient
a life of wandering and occasional disdain
understandings and misunderstandings alike will greet you where you go.

yes, anger remains.
within a home that is no longer solid.
he drinks his share of the miseries
the word 'sober' no longer within his vocabulary.
his companion misery huddles in a corner
like a scolded dog
he begs morsels from his mistress.

ah yes.
because I intend to return control to it's original owner.
me.
you no longer have this control.
yes, depression may still be an advisor of sorts.
his hunched posture and claw-like hands
suggest that he is not as strong as he used to be.

so, here are your meager belongings.
may your travel be swift.
and may you return no more.

friendships

Thursday, November 10, 2011
I have actually known this for some time, but it's something that I have yet to confront on any one of my blogs in a proper manner. When it comes to friendships - real, beautiful, supportive friendships - I often go through a series of emotions and reactions.


I'll usually feel extremely happy that someone wants to be my friend (as long as I admire and respect them), and feel a little bit amazed that they actually want to get to know me. If the person is amazing (as many of my friends are) I will often become infatuated - smitten in a friend-like manner - with them, and want to spend a lot of time with them. This can be difficult for people to take. I'm very much of the mind that life is short - so if I like someone and really want to thank them for being there for me, I will do so now rather than later (or never). This is very important to me - I see people every day being helped by friends, family, strangers! and they don't even realise that the help they got was invaluable to where they are today. So, you got a new job/interest/love? What about the person that suggested you go for the job when they found it? What about the person who helped you to perfect your resume? What about the person that listened to some music and immediately thought of you - or even put together a CD of stuff for you to listen to? These may all seem like small things - ultimately it will probably be your energies and efforts that will give you the push you need to get somewhere, but that doesn't mean you can't take note and thank the people in your life that gave you the tools to build that ladder.


Anyway, back to my reaction to friendships. One other thing that I tend to go through (without wanting to a lot of the time..) is paranoia and jealousy. The paranoia has been built up from experiences in high school and primary school, and a little past that - friends that weren't there when I needed them to be, that abandoned me for someone more 'interesting' or 'fun'. That reacted in stupid ways to my depression. This is something I'm working on - I really don't want to continue being the person who worries that their friends are just humouring them and will leave at the first sign of something else to do. I'm doing better with this - at recognising why people want to be friends with me in the first place (difficult), but it still needs work.
Jealousy is... interesting. Mostly because I tend to feel it more in my friendships and other relationships than within my intimate relationship with Xin. I have just gotten to the point where I trust Xin so totally that I only feel jealous if a girl is really trying to get his attention. Then I just want to hit her XD
But within friendships? For some reason, friends that I adore hanging out with their other friends that they adore? Makes me jealous. Isn't that ridiculous? Well. Maybe not  ridiculous, but a bit needless. I think, most of the time, I want them to want to see me as much as I want to see them, which is rare. I get excited about friendships very easily XD I'm not entirely sure how to work on this except to try and back off from the friendship a little bit so I don't have to care as much. I think I need a new tactic.


Anyway. This was mostly just rambling to get my thoughts out so I could look at them, instead of having them float around my head all the time! Hope all is well with those who read <3

Thoughts.

Thursday, November 3, 2011
What do you do when the feelings you have don't have a place to go? Like a lost entity floating around the cosmos, desperately seeking it's destination.
You cannot channel them into something else - it will work for a time but always return back to you, beseeching you with it's desire for a home. 
And yet there no longer is a home for these feelings. Like an orphaned it wanders back to where it thinks it's home should be, only to find the windows boarded, the door locked, everything they knew about safety crumbled and different.
These feelings can be powerful then, in their loss of purpose. They are no longer your friend - no longer your comfort or your solace. They cloak themselves in anger and confusion - forcing you to be someone you do not like - someone you do not want. 
Yes. They have power now.
They place you in front of a screen continuously playing the things you don't want to see nor want to think of. You cannot look away. Here, a scene of something that might have been; there, a shot of what gave you false hope in the past. The present is no longer relevant - only the desire to break free of it's hold.
And then, you begin to notice something. Each day, the vice-like grip around your throat becomes looser. The scenes on the screen begin to skip. And then, when you're able, you look around to see that cloak of angry and confusion discarded on the floor. And those feelings? Scattered on the breeze.






I have not quite reached that last part with some of my feelings yet. There is a part of me gripping the chair and refusing to move - so spellbound by the images I see from there. But another part of me recognises a need to move on. To see those feelings released. And to feel that final breeze of contentment.






p.s. this may be poorly written. it came at a time when i was considering a lot of things. but writing... writing releases me. it helps me to express myself where talking is no longer easy.

Goodbye, October

Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Once again, a wonderful practise set forth by Havi Brooks (oh she's so wonderful and you can find her here!) all about entering and exiting, and the lovely things that can come from a sparkly, spangly Revue! ^_^


What I loved about October this year...
Oh so many lovely things happened. I probably can't even remember some of them!


Some October things:

  • Spending more time outside. Enjoying fresh air!
  • Realising a dream of studying something else... something other than Psychology
  • Talking and exploring emotions with wonderful people
  • Books! Yay!
  • The blooming and coming to life of many flowers and plants in our lovely garden..
  • Starting a new journey and gaining so many new mentors and loves
  • Birthdays! Oh so many.

Stuff that happened in October...:
  • Xin went away on a trip! Still missing him, but so proud <3
  • I put through my forms for graduation, and for application into a Bachelor of the Arts! New chapter!
  • I met my lovely Naturopath, and started to feel better for the first time in about 10 years... so many amazing things have happened because of this..
  • rejoining the social world and forming bonds with some amazing people - some from my past, and some that I have only met recently. and enjoying the warmth that I get from talking to them and laughing with them :)
  • a small reminder that I'm not always going to get what I want - this has been an upsetting thing, but probably also a good thing. I think it will take some of November to get through this happening.
  • I went out dancing! AND WAS FINE THE NEXT DAY. :O <3

What was hard about this October?
Study and forms and ick. The office LOSING my form so I had to resubmit it, and then taking three weeks to let me know they'd actually gotten it this time. Sigh.

Little bouts of OMGDEPRESSION on random days where it made no sense. Though, it doesn't often make sense.

Being without Xin and having to make tough decisions and such while he wasn't here. And I couldn't contact him very much for the first two weeks. Hard.

That little realisation that I can't always have what I want also including a unhealthy dose of feeling selfish, guilty, angry and damn irritated. Wasn't fun.

Revue!
What worked this October?
the new diet! no gluten and no dairy is really difficult to follow, but it's made a world of difference. Plus everything else my naturopath gave me to take. I love her!

Still taking it slow and recognising when I need to get out of the house, making new connections so I know who to turn to when I feel awful, knowing when I need nothing more than to retreat to my room and do yoga and centre myself. <3

Making friends and maintaining relationships! Who knew?

Practising being who I am and exploring that. Feeling that power that I actually ALREADY HAVE. ^_^

What might I want to try in the future?
More of this. This recognising what was wonderful and what didn't work so well.

More planned time with friends - especially involving getting out of the house and into the fresh air. <3

Goodbye October.

Thank you for introducing me to alternatives, and for being a time of healing, growth, and learning. Thank you.

See you next year <3
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