E-WINDOW SHOPPING: for the love of elephants...

well, I was home alone for most of the day today, and I needed a decent way to distract myself from how icky and horrible and sad I was feeling (may mention more of that later..). so I turned to internet window shopping on Etsy! for elephant-related paraphernalia!! Yay! here are some of the things I loved...

Beautiful Elephant parade ring! I adore how the elephants look on this... they look like they're trotting along without a care in the world... ^_^ (found here)

Look at this gorgeous necklace... The elephant head looks so wise.. ehehe. and the stone is lapis lazuli! So beautiful!! (found here)

Such a gorgeous bracelet... Love the way it closes... <3 (found here)

gorgeous big elephant pillow!! don't you just want to squish it?? (found here)

and finally a beautiful elephant print!! I just adore this so much.... (found here)




Goodness I loveeeeee elephants... <3 <3 They're such beautiful, intelligent, and wonderfully weird creatures. ^________________^

Leave a Comment internet shopping

fairies, flooshes, and naming.

you know, facebook really isn't a good place to try and talk about your issues with life. people immediately start thinking of you as someone who shares too much, or someone who whines a lot. or maybe the don't, but that's what it feels like.
the thing is, with some of the stuff I'm having to deal with lately, I need a decent outlet to talk these things out without making an exhibition of myself. I do have my own personal writing and journalling, but sometimes that's not enough. sometimes this is what a blog is for. plus it helps me to present what's happening in a more eloquent way than blurting it out in a 420-character-limit status update.


my health has been exceedingly frustrating lately. more so than usual. I'm flirting with the idea of going back to see my doctor for yet another diagnosis - this time of mild fibromyalgia. please look here for more information...
anyway, I've been dealing with constant pain and lethargy and multiple other things lately, most probably brought on by stress (this often happens at the end of a semester. I do my best to ward it off - meditation and gentle exercise, enforcement of a regular sleeping routine (HA!), etc, but it often doesn't work) and it's making me ever-more stressed since I'm having to take more and more time to rest and consequently less and less time to get my last two assessments done satisfactorily.


So, here I am.  a week tomorrow before everything is due and I'm doing my best to stay level-headed. I've pulled things together with three days to spare before (not that I like doing it), so with a week and a little help from my fellow students and friends, I think I should be okay. Luckily enough I was granted an extension when I asked since I'm on the disability services assistance list now - my fieldwork project was originally due on Monday, but I've now got til Friday. I have a presentation with Xin that day too, but I know we'll be fine.  We know our subject matter well and we're both pretty good at presentations, even if we haven't presented together before.


things that are keeping me happy lately: tea, new books arriving in the mail (yay Anne Bishop!), getting lovely little things from friends reminding me how strong I am, Xin's love, mum making soup for my lunch <3 (she makes AMAZING soup), thinking about the future and the possibility of moving out with friends and maybe finally realising my dream of becoming a full-time writer - this is my ideal and most-wished for job!, and, finally, Miss Brontesaurus being her adorable self.


sometimes optimism can become delusion, but I think my optimism can sometimes help me along when things seem completely bleak. It makes me miss the simple things, though. Like being able to go out with friends without having to count the energy cost later...


ps. the name of this blog is related to things that I've been thinking about lately that I haven't written about. perhaps I'll tell you another time. :P <3

Leave a Comment brontë, family, health, love, study, Xin

Friday Chicken: belated, but not beloved.

here we go again~~


bad stuff.
sick sick sick.
my body seemed to be throwing quite a bit at me this week - it was rather alarming! three migraines, multiple stomach problems (not too severe, thankfully), flu/cold-type symptoms, chronic fatigue fogginess. random pains! not-so-random pains! XD


stuck stuck stuck.
there has been a couple of shoes thrown in my direction this week. I've done my best to react calmly and in an understanding way - after all, shoes aren't about me, they're about the shoe-thrower. I wrote some letters-that-will-never-be-delivered - secret letters. these made me feel better - I'm liking them as a tactic for coping and calming. certain shoes were harder to deal with than others. mostly because of the particular thrower-of-shoes. and my relationship with them. it was confusing and hurtful, and it required a bit of working. still does. and thus - stuckifiedness. especially today!


missing!!
Xin has been away a lot over the past week and a half - I'm so happy he's having fun and doing stuff he wants to do, but I'm missing him awfully. he's over in Sydney right now, shopping and having fun (i think. XD), so I can't wait til I get to see him again. but of course, he has work, so that will have to wait too. which is okay! i want to be supportive. ^_^ it's hard, but time alone never hurt me [much] before! XD


ick.
when do I ever have a week without the awful ick-monster? that's okay, though, because i'm getting better at dealing with him/her.


misunderstanding.
there has been some silence on the part of a lot of friends, and some demanding on the parts of others. both are making me uncomfortable and sometimes upset. this still requires some strength and working.




good stuff.


rest!
i've realised that i'm an expert rester. i've gotten really good at realising how often i need to rest, and how to rest effectively. going stir-crazy is still a risk, but i can often counteract that with some careful yoga or some daydreaming about things that could happen AFTER assignmenting is done. (three weeks left!)
this has also brought to my attention how bad at resting others are. the reactions of some people to how much i rest is another addition to the ick, but i'm trying hard to hold onto my rights as an olympic rester.


books!
falling in love with another author. yay~ i want to run up to the person who introduced me to her and give them a big hug... hmm. perhaps a msg-form hug will do :D


progress!
i have come up with a new code-phrase for 'study' - the word 'study' makes me feel like i should be chained to a desk, only leaving to see to basic things like using the bathroom. sunlight is absolutely not allowed, nor is resting. this is not a good place for me to be in! so now, 'study' shall be referred to as "Gleeful Progress Time". doesn't that sound more inviting? it also helps with procrastination for me, though that is still something that needs work!


small things.
i have been relying a little more on my powers of observation and childlike wonder lately - small things are what get me through the day sometimes. things like postcards from a friend <3, little msgs from another sweet friend, homemade cupcakes from my brother's girlfriend, new books, and new tea. tea in general. sunlight and changing leaves (the chinese tallow in our backyard has decided it's officially autumn - it's beautiful). songs of simple joviality. wearing my favourite seven-year-old shoes (my shoes could be in 2nd grade! XD) and admiring the holes in them.


morning routines.
they are really making things easier and more fun. they make the day easier to start, and I get excited about getting up to do them. they could possibly come under the "small things" subtitle, but they are big and lovely for me right now. like a sort of morning firework filled with sunshine and shiny. XD








NEW: What I want from this week...


~more understanding. more human contact.
~more personal work in terms of dealing with loneliness and unhappy emotions.
~more morning routines! hopefully something that I ordered for my yoga practice will come this week...
~speaking of packages - books! I ordered one ages ago...still waiting... XD
~more planning. progress.
~more small, joyful, gleeful, beautiful things! (warm fuzzies?)

Leave a Comment family, friday chicken, friends, ick, warm fuzzies

Today was actually a nice day. I'm putting some new healthy behaviours into play these days, and so far they're fun and making me feel good. I'm not ready to talk about them (not because they're embarrassing or anything, more because they're very personal and special to me, even if they're simple.), but I'm enjoying them.

Today involved - progress on study stuff, supportiveness, more tea!, more skincare stuffs!, shopping with Mum!, msgs from lovely people <3, rest, and new books!! :D

I am looking forward to tomorrow - cooking breakfast for mum, getting more study done, rest and reading, and maybe writing some letters :D I will also factor in MORE rest because I have a big presentation on Monday to factor in..

lots of love~

p.s. might do a belated friday chicken post tomorrow...

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copycat *>meow<*

With respect two of my favourite livejournal posters (and friends), I've decided to put together a list of my own strengths. I'm so happy that other people are doing this - it can be an eye-opening, but hard, experience to acknowledge your own strengths in life. So, wish me luck. I've only done this once before, and that was... two years ago?




bethwyn's strengths.


1. I deal with pain everyday. and i continue to pick myself back up and deal with it tomorrow.
2. i'm mature, and try to understand my own behaviours and those around me for what they are.
3. i allow myself to experience my emotions and meet myself where i am. it helps me to love others.
4. i tend to learn quickly, and i can be quite intelligent when i'm not feeling too sick. the sick clouds the intelligence. XD
5. i try to maintain and enjoy the experience of having meaningful relationships with a many people. i'm not afraid to open myself up to the people that seem right.
6. i'm actually a pretty good writer when i do it. XD
7. i love pursuing new things! i have an open mind about lots of different pursuits - playing saxophone, piano, clarinet; crochet, knitting, sewing; writing; art; martial arts; alternative medicine; nutrition; yoga, meditation, tai chi; buddhism and other religions; cooking and BAKING.
8. i am a voracious reader. i can't get enough of books and stories. i adore nothing more than vanishing into another tome, and i take an almost childlike glee in books and anything book-related.
9. i'm optimistic! life can give you lots of things, and i try to maintain optimism because of past experience. (unfortunately this means that i don't have much patience for pessimists, but shh)
10. i'm good at resting! it was a long time coming, but i know how to relax and get through whatever is affecting me when it's needed.
11. i try really hard. i keep getting back up. i admire this in myself.




I believe there might be more, but I'm getting embarrassed. And awkward. XD Plus I'm still trying to get some work done while resting  (another migraine today, along with multiple other ickyness things...), and I'd like to get a bit more done before I turn what's left of my brain off for the night. much love!

Leave a Comment ick, strengths

VPA: I feel like these are coming a bit intermittently.. XD

Okayyyyyy. Let's do this.


one.understanding.


what i want.
what with all the burning out and sick and upsetting that is going on in my space lately, i feel like i could really use a base of lovely people to just support me. i need the loveliness to lift me up and hold me while i work through these things.


how this could happen.
some lovely people that i know could randomly text me, or they could see this blog post and say to themselves 'hey, i know she thinks i'm lovely' and THEN text me. XD


i could find new support in other areas, like new books or someone that randomly pops into my field of love.


people who are currently being unsupportive could suddenly become more so (i believe this could happen, because it's already happened once this week). i could find support in some of my favourite places - like Havi Broooks, Elsie Flannigan, etc. (my favourite bloggers).


my commitment.
i will wait, and i will continue to trust.
i will try to see the small things that people do without desperately yelling for the big things.
i will be my own friend, and my own lovely person.


two.fun.


what i want.
i think with all this straining and needing, i'd like an opportunity after it's all over just to have fun. i want to dance and flail and cuddle and be surrounded by people that i love. i want to feel the bubbles inside me, and i want to feel loved.


how this could happen.
i could organise to go out with people, or someone could see this and organise something for me. or we could co-organise things!


it doesn't even have to be one single outing. i wouldn't mind just heading to friends houses and watching pretty movies and eating popcorn and maybe being in pajamas! or i could tag along with some other people when they go to Sin (a lot of my friends go there) and have fun that way... although i'm not great with clubs. XD


my commitment.
to realise that other people have stuff too, and to honour that.
to make my own fun if others aren't able to. to reach out.




aaand posting. XD

Leave a Comment vpa

Unusual. Plus BURNOUT SCARY.

Well. I have not been dealing with things too well lately. In fact I've been dealing with them relatively badly. After I finished my sexology paper on Sunday, I really just wanted to rest. However I had to head in to Uni on Monday, so I started to prepare for that. Unfortunately, our group hadn't realised that we had to hand something in on Monday. Yeh. O.o


Enter the ick. The ick tackled me to the ground, leaving me winded and confused. And perhaps a little concussed. 


I went to Uni the next day, and met up with my group. They had pulled together something amazing, but were still stressing. I felt awful that I'd had to rest the night before. Icky icky icky. Then we had class, and I was feeling terribly sick. I stayed for the whole class because I just felt so awful about being absent for my group. They went on to work on it, and I had to go hand in my assignment and then go home. I ended up with a mega migraine that day.(Xin came over and made me feel quite a bit better about things, though. <3)


Tuesday comes, and I have the day mostly to myself. The ick seems to be hovering in the shadows, but I ignore it. I am a grump in the morning, not really sure why, but just am. Xin is kind and loving and looks after me - and ends up feeling sick himself. At some point I get myself up and start cleaning my room. I'm sick of the dust - it sets off my asthma most mornings. I wash and I vacuum and I dust. I air the room, I change the sheets, I wash the pillowcases. And I watch the dog. XD


The evening comes, and I'm still feeling sick, but confident that I'm okay with study and such. One of the people I talk to makes me feel less than okay. They make me feel like I'm just being lazy and not giving my group the support they need. Is that true? I wonder. The ick enters stage left and runs me through with a sword. Main character falls to the floor. End scene.


I cheer myself up by staying near to Xin and being kind to myself. I sleep.


Wednesday. Today. Wake up and feel stressed. Certain someone doesn't help - just makes me feel like I SHOULD BE FEELING BETTER RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW?! Today is another group meeting. I haven't done anything yet. But that's okay, it's not til 1:30. Check emails before (planned) going back to bed. Oh wait. No. We're meeting at 10. It's almost 9 now. Great. Msg group member. She tells me not to stress about it. Heh.


Realise there's something else I meant to do today - make an appointment with a disability counselor on campus to get disability recognition. Do so. Tomorrow at 10. Think. The thing is, I don't think I want to be labelled as disabled. I don't look it at all, and it feels like a cop-out. I know I need the extra assistance when it comes to getting extensions on assignments, but it's extremely depressing and upsetting. Have small breakdown. Call Xin who helps. Msg group member - I'm not coming in. I can't do it. - She say to take care. In my paranoid, upset state, it sounds like a threat from the universe at large.


Ick returns to the scene of the crime, finds the main character attempting to heal. A gun is taken out. Stage goes dark. Bang.














Now I'm just trying to cope. The ick can try things, but I won't stop trying to get back up; to heal myself.

2 comments ick, study

Sexology Individual Paper: Complete

Well hello there! I've been working busily away (as previous entries show) and have just managed to complete my paper. I'm probably going to give it one final read before I start getting it all prettified for submission, and also before submitting it online. However, it is done.


I'm sitting here (longing to go on Facebook but not..XD) drinking lemonade (something I don't often do!!) and it just reminds me so much of weekends and visits to my grandparents house. This house has now been long sold, and my Grandad has been gone for four years now? I think. My Nana moved to a smaller place nearer to her kids, but I'll always remember looking at the garden and Nana's tadpoles, or sitting on Grandad's lap while he made me laugh. And drinking lemonade as a special treat from the outdoor fridge.


Those days seem to be filled with sunshine and warmth... and cheese and salad sandwiches. XD And dogs!


I'm currently in chill out mode. I'm feeling quite relaxed and happy about how my paper went, and just a touch stressed about the next thing I need to work on. However, one major assignment down, only one other written one and two presentations! Plus two reflection papers, which are pretty easy. ^_^


I hope this week is a nice week.

2 comments family, history, study